


Like A Fistful of Sand

by heartsdesire456



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Endgame James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Inspired by a Movie, M/M, Romance, estranged spouses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:34:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7210052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When Steve got engaged to his partner Phil, it did seem pretty sudden, he had to admit. They hadn't been together very long, and they didn't live together, but they both had very similar jobs and lifestyles, so Steve knew Phil would be the perfect husband in every way.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>As long as he never found out that the ‘business trip’ Steve was being ‘sent on’ to New York was because Steve needed to go try and finally end the fact that he already had a husband who had been his childhood sweetheart, everything in Steve’s future would be perfect.</i></p><p> </p><p>Inspired by <i>Sweet Home Alabama</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like A Fistful of Sand

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so glad this is finally written! I have wanted for so long to write a Sweet Home Alabama!AU because I love that movie and I have just been WAITING for inspiration to hit me for years now.
> 
> That said, **you don't need to know anything about Sweet Home Alabama to read this fic**. It's inspired by it but it changes basically everything except the basic. I did steal the iconic phrase from the film, but HOW COULD I NOT!!! THAT IS THE SWEETEST LINE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF FILM!!!
> 
> The title is actually from a song I listened to many times while writing this because, TOTALLY WEIRDLY ENOUGH, my sole soundtrack for writing this fic was the new Thrice album. So random, right? I don't at the moment remember which song it is. I'm thinking probably either Hurricane or Stay With Me? But either way, the full line (if I remember it correctly) is "I can't keep from wondering why faith feels like a fistful of sand" which is oddly appropriate for this fic and just stuck with me while writing this.

_I should be happier than this,_ Steve thought as he looked at the ring that rested on his left hand. He still smiled when his friends clapped him on the back and ordered another round to celebrate when he showed them his ring. 

Sam leaned forward, grabbing Steve’s hand. “Dude, I didn’t think for a minute you and Phil would come back from vacation _engaged_ ,” he said and Natasha nodded at Steve’s elbow.

“You haven’t even been together a year,” she stressed.

Steve chuckled. “Nine months in two weeks.” He looked at his hand and the rather impressive ring on it and smiled. “It makes sense if you think about it. Phil’s turning forty-five next year. He’s brought up kids a time or two. I guess he just decided he isn’t getting any younger so he went ahead and asked me.” He shrugged. “He’s probably the best guy I’ve ever dated, so why not marry him, you know? Waiting isn’t gonna suddenly make him less of the guy he is.”

Trip came back with the next round of beers and passed them out, sitting across from Natasha. “To Steve!” he said, and they all laughed and toasted, drinking to Steve’s engagement. “You’re a lucky man, that’s for sure,” Trip said, shaking his head. “Phil Coulson is probably the most respected non-military employee in all of DC and you’re the lucky guy that gets to break the hearts of every woman in the beltway.” 

Steve raised his eyebrows with a soft grin. “Well they can keep their hands to themselves, cause he’s mine now.” 

~

Steve met Phil a year ago at work. Phil worked for the Department of Homeland Security in the Management Directorate and, one snowy morning back in January, Phil was in charge of a meeting with Steve’s boss. Steve worked as a resource management analyst for the Department of Defense, a job he had worked hard to achieve the first few years he was in DC, and he just so happened to be assigned to be the departmental liaison to help Phil out for the three weeks he would be working with Steve’s boss.

During those three weeks, Steve spent a lot of time with Phil and discovered they actually had a lot in common. Phil’s dry humor made Steve laugh, his professionalism impressed Steve, and there was no denying that Phil was a handsome man. When their time working together came to an end, Phil asked him out to dinner and Steve said yes, because why not go out with a nice, handsome man like Phil? Within the first few months, their relationship became more serious and settled into a very comfortable life that Steve really did enjoy. Phil enjoyed taking Steve to classy events and still was a fun enough friend to sit on the couch and have a beer with while watching trashy television. He was a very stable man with a very nice townhouse, he was very nice to Steve’s friends, he liked being active with Steve, and they had similar goals for the future. They didn’t live together, but Steve didn’t think that was too bad of a barrier for becoming engaged when they both made so much sense together. 

Phil was the best possible match he could ever find for the type of life he wanted, and most of all, Phil made him happy. Phil could always make him laugh, the sex was always good, and Phil was easily the sweetest boyfriend he had ever had. Phil took him on vacation as a late birthday present and, while they were walking on a private beach on the coast, sipping drinks and watching the sunset, Phil had went to one knee and asked Steve to be his husband. Steve couldn’t imagine a more romantic proposal if he had to. Phil would be the perfect husband in every way.

As long as he never found out that the ‘business trip’ Steve was being ‘sent on’ to New York was because Steve needed to go try and finally end the fact that he already had a husband, everything in Steve’s future would be perfect.

~

_A twelve-year-old Steve laughed as he ran down the alley, a boy with shaggy brown hair hot on his heels as he laughed with him. The older boy they had been throwing rocks at chased after them, but they were both small enough they could fit between the fence and the wall at the end of the alley and escape. They kept running, both of them laughing as the summer sun shined down on their faces. They didn’t stop until they made it to the street Steve lived on and Steve finally had to give up running. His knees ached and his chest was tight from all the running, which caused him to cough a few times. He stopped and leaned against the building as he braced his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths._

_The boy he had been running with came over and knelt down beside him, rubbing at his back as he coughed and gasped to catch his breath. “I should’ve known better than to let you keep runnin’,” he said, shaking his head as his big blue eyes met Steve’s._

_“You’re not my mother, Bucky, you don’t get to ‘let’ me do anything,” Steve panted now that his coughing was under control. He took a few deeper, slower breaths and then stood up straight, though he stayed leaning against the wall._

_Bucky grinned up at him. “Yeah, but somebody’s gotta look after you, Stevie. You get in too much trouble and don’t got enough sense to get out of it.” He stood tall, a few inches higher than Steve, and winked. “You’re the kinda boy that needs somebody to take care of ‘em. That’s where I come in.”_

_Steve rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah?”_

_“Yeah,” Bucky said, shrugging like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “That’s why I’m gonna marry you.”_

_Steve scoffed. “Who says I’d marry your sorry butt anyways?” he asked, though he couldn’t help the squirmy sensation in his belly he’d noticed a lot around Bucky lately._

_“Hey, you see this?” Bucky asked, gesturing to his face in general. “I’ve been told I’m the best lookin’ guy at school. You just don’t know it, cause you’re in the grade below me.” He reached out, patting Steve on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, you’ll have the best lookin’ husband out of all of us.”_

_“Two fellas can’t get married. At least not here,” Steve dismissed._

_Bucky flapped a hand. “Eh, it’s forever until we grow up anyways, that’ll be different then.”_

_Steve looked up at him for a moment and gave him a look. “What’d you wanna marry me for, anyways?”_

_Bucky’s lips twisted into a smirk and he braced a hand on the wall beside Steve, leaning closer so that Steve’s head thumped against the bricks as he lifted his head to keep eye contact. “So I can kiss you any time I want.”_

_Steve’s eyes widened but, when Bucky leaned down that last little bit, Steve tilted his chin up to meet Bucky’s lips with his, and his eyes slid shut-_

“Next stop is Penn Station, ladies and gentlemen, Penn Station.”

Steve startled awake at the announcement over the loudspeaker, waking up from a dream he hadn’t had and a memory he hadn’t thought about in years now.

Even after the vacation he and Phil went on, Steve had enough accrued vacation days from the past eight years that he could take off work and go up the New York for what he planned to be just the one day, which was why he had taken such an early train, but he knew it might take longer.

It was nearly after nine when he got off the train and walked outside onto the street. It had been eleven years since he had been in New York City and it was amazing how even this part of Midtown that he rarely ever went to still seemed so familiar. He felt odd grabbing a taxi but honestly, he had had enough of being on a train for the past few hours and he had high hopes that maybe, just maybe, he would be catching a train back to DC tonight if he could get this over with, so the faster he got there the better.

~

Steve paid the driver and shrugged his backpack on as he looked up at a building he never thought he’d ever see again. Vaguely, he wondered if any of the old tenants still lived there. Hell, he wasn’t even positive Bucky lived there anymore, but if he didn’t, he could at least ask the landlord where he had moved to. The last time the divorce papers had been mailed back to him unsigned, it had come from the same address as always, and that had been three years ago.

After a moment of hesitation, Steve finally took the first step and walked up to the door. It still didn’t have a call box or a lock on the door, meaning pretty much anybody could just stroll in. He walked past the mailboxes at the bottom of the stairs and headed straight for them. He knew where he was going. He headed up to the fourth floor, and his heart started to beat a little harder as he walked down to the last door on the left. Apartment 4E. He took a breath, pretending it was from the stairs, and he knocked on the door firmly. No reason to not just try.

When the door opened, for a second he thought someone new had moved in after all, but after a second he realized the long-haired, scruffy guy wrestling with a box of pizza, trying to eat a piece without putting the box down, was really him. “Hey, I gave you a tip, Kid, what else do you want?”

Steve looked at him as he didn’t look up and barely even recognized him. Bucky’s hair was long and greasy and pulled up in a messy ponytail. His face was covered in stubble from several days, he was wearing a ratty hoodie and too-big jeans that were ripped up and not on purpose, and he looked, overall, like a hobo who had wandered into an empty apartment. He didn’t realize he had been staring too long until Bucky glanced up at him through his bangs before looking back at his escaping pizza box he seemed to be struggling to hang onto. “Oh, hey, not the pizza boy. Look, Man, whatever you’re sellin’, I’m not buyin’. I have insurance already, I don’t need a time-share, and I ain’t got any interest in finding Jesus, so unless you have something else you need, I’ve got a pizza here and no money to buy anything else.”

Steve gave him a once over and huffed in disgust. “Good thing I’m not looking for half your shit in the divorce then, Bucky,” he said in annoyance. 

Bucky’s head snatched up so fast his forgotten pizza box fell out of his hold and landed upside down, closing itself. He blinked up at Steve and pushed his hair out of his face in shock. “Holy shit, Steve?! What the hell happened to you?” he asked, looking Steve over. “What the shit, I thought you were smaller.”

Steve looked at Bucky and crossed his arms. “And I thought you would’ve signed these damn divorce papers any of the five times you sent them back unsigned, but nope! I have to bring my ass all the way here to make you sign them.”

Bucky blinked, still clearly confused about Steve’s appearance. “Stevie, I gotta tell you, I’m not entirely sure what the hell you just said, because you’re _taller than me_ ,” he said, looking straight at him and finding his gaze just below Steve’s eyes. “Damn, look at you.” He shook his head as a slow smile spread across his face. “Did you get bit by a radioactive body builder or something?”

Steve groaned, shoving past him into the apartment. “Jesus Christ, just come sign these papers so I can leave,” he said, though the moment he got past the entry he paused. He wasn’t expecting to be hit by memories, but other than the mess and clutter, it looked almost the same it had the day Steve packed his bags. He looked around the living room and his chest tightened when he saw the photograph of his mother and Bucky’s sister sitting on the shelf next to the window. He shook himself out of it and turned around to watch as Bucky rescued his pizza that was now stuck to the top half of the box and carried it with him to the coffee table at the couch. 

Bucky flopped down and snagged a piece of half-ruined pizza, grinning as he kicked his feet up on the couch and looked over at Steve. “Well look at you. Steve Rogers standing in my living room. Never thought that’d happen when I rolled out of bed today.” He took a bite of pizza and gestured with the rest of the slice. “So,” he said as he chewed. “Wanna tell me where you’ve been all these years or why you’re here now? Pick which to do first,” he suggested.

Steve took off his backpack and dug out the divorce papers. He threw them onto the coffee table beside the pizza box. “You know exactly where I’ve been because you mailed those back to me unsigned. And now I’m here for you to sign them.”

Bucky put down his pizza and picked them up – oddly unnecessary Steve thought - and hummed. “No ‘hey, Honey, you look great’ or ‘aw Bucky, it’s been ages’, just straight to the divorce papers, huh?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Just sign the papers, Bucky, and I’ll leave and it’ll be like I was never here.”

Bucky huffed. “What’re you in such a big hurry for? Not like you couldn’t just mail ‘em back and then I could mail ‘em back to you again, and then you can have your lawyer call me again-“

“Yeah, that’s expensive, by the way,” Steve pointed out. 

Bucky grinned. “But it’s so fun to fuck with that guy on the phone-“

“Yeah, well, I’m getting married,” Steve said, holding up the hand with his engagement ring on it. “I don’t have time for this crap anymore.”

Bucky seemed to go oddly still as he looked at Steve’s ring and Steve was about to ask what was wrong when he suddenly tossed the papers onto the table and stood up. “Well you know what? I just remembered I’ve got plans so I need to head out right now.” He winked. “You can always come back later, Stevie. We can get a beer, catch up, all that good stuff-“

Steve groaned in frustration. “Why can’t you just sign the damn papers?! I don’t have time for this, I just got back from a vacation to the coast, so the less days I have to take off the better!”

Bucky shook his head with a grin. “I can’t very well sign something without reading it thoroughly first, and I just don’t have the time for that right now.” He walked around Steve, heading for the door. “Wouldn’t want you to try and take me to the cleaners, now would I?”

“Oh like this ghetto trash apartment spells ‘take half of everything I own!’ to me!” Steve complained, going to snatch the papers of the table before following Bucky while he shoved them into his bag. “I probably have a pair of shoes that are worth more than this whole place!” 

“Good for you, but I’m still not signing shit right now,” Bucky said simply, holding the door for Steve to leave ahead of him. Steve went out and Bucky pulled the door shut, not even bothering to lock it, and headed towards the stairs. “Great seeing you, but I’ll be out for most of the day, so you should really just call later, bye!” Bucky called, disappearing down the stairs without a backwards glance. 

If Steve weren’t a better man, he would scream in frustration.

~

Steve had nowhere to go and a goal in mind, so he decided he would just wait. There was no way Bucky could have really had plans so Steve decided to outlast Bucky’s hardheaded dickishness. Several hours later, however, he was starting to think Bucky had skipped town or something, because it had been four hours and he was still gone.

Steve had almost fallen asleep when a voice from across the landing called out to him. “Hey, Dude, I dunno who you’re waiting for, but I’m pretty sure that’s the wrong apartment.”

“Oh it’s the right apartment alright,” he countered, still sitting with his eyes shut and his head tipped back against the wall.

“Well, I think you may be wrong, cause the guy who lives there is my best friend and I don’t know you.” The voice sounded familiar so Steve opened his eyes and looked over, only to have the guy leaning on the banister nearly fall over it when he saw his face. “Holy shit and a half.”

Steve raised an eyebrow as he realized the reason the voice was familiar was because it was someone he knew. “Clint Barton, what the hell are you doing here?” Steve asked, moving to get to his feet. He wiped his hands off on his jeans and Clint nearly choked on his own spit when he looked at Steve standing up straight.

“Jesus Christ, Steve Rogers. What the fuck happened?” he asked, coming around the railing to look at him. He looked up at Steve, who felt really weird looking down at Clint, and he just shook his head. “What kind of drugs did they give you and where can I get some?” he asked as amusement came into his features.

Steve shrugged. “Only thing I take is vitamins,” he said, holding out his hand with a smile. “Good to see you,” he said but Clint ignored his hand, going for a full on hug. Steve chuckled and patted his back before pulling away.

“Shit, I haven’t seen you in what, ten years?” Clint asked, shaking his head in wonder. “Man, I never for a second thought I’d see you when I walked out my front door.”

Steve looked back at the apartment across from them and then to Clint. “Front door? You live here?” he asked skeptically. “Why the hell would you do that?”

Clint scoffed. “Man, I bought this building like five years ago. I’m the owner and landlord,” he said with a grin. “Moved in when I bought it so I’m always around.”

“Hell, I can’t believe Bucky even lives here anymore,” Steve said bluntly. “This neighborhood sure as hell hasn’t changed at all and that isn’t a good thing in my book.”

Clint gave him a strange look, shrugging. “Yeah well, not everybody thinks like you,” he said simply. “Anyways, what’re you doing sitting outside your apartment? I thought Bucky was home.”

Steve grumbled. “He was, but as soon as I showed up he suddenly had somewhere to be. And it’s not my apartment,” he reminded him with a grimace.

Clint shrugged. “Technically it’s still in both your names, since you weren’t around to sign it over to Bucky alone.” He nodded back to his place. “If you want I’ve got a spare key, so you can at least sit on his couch instead of his welcome mat while waiting. No idea where he could’ve gone. He didn’t come see me and the other three are still at work this time of day,” he said, gesturing for Steve to follow him as he went back to his apartment. Steve didn’t bother telling him that the door wasn’t locked to begin with.

Steve followed him, raising an eyebrow. “Other three what?”

“You know,” Clint said, holding the door for Steve to go into his place. Steve looked around and noticed it was bigger than Bucky’s place but still just as rundown. “The old gang! Mack’s still a mechanic, Bobbi and Hunter ended up married, Bruce is a teacher if you can believe it, and we all still live around here. In fact, Mack lives on the second floor and Bobbi and Hunter live next door to him and Bruce lives on the third floor,” he said and Steve stared in surprise.

“You mean the entire group of friends from high school all not only still live in this shitty neighborhood, but they all live in the building I grew up in? Really?” he asked skeptically.

Clint gave him a sorta sarcastic shrug as he came back from the cabinet by the door and dropped a key in his hand. “Some people have a stronger idea of ‘home’ than others,” he said with a bit harder bite to his voice than before, though it still was pretty friendly. “Bucky will be back sooner or later. I was already on my way out, or else I’d stay and catch up.” 

Steve was embarrassed by Clint’s jab at him as he walked back out into the hall, Clint on his heels, but when he stopped Clint grabbed him in another big, tight hug. “It really is great to see you, Steve. It’s been far too long.”

Steve watched him lock up and run for the stairs and for a moment he felt nostalgic for all those times they had all made a run for it from Steve’s mom when they were kids down those exact same stairs.

~

Steve wanted badly to snoop through all of Bucky’s shit, just to piss him off, but he refrained due to the fact that would be even too shitty of him for his annoying ex. He did, however, look at all the stuff in the living room. The photo of his mother and Bucky’s sister was one he had to look at one more time – he didn’t keep a photo of his mother out at home, they were all in storage, so he hadn’t looked at her in years – and beside it there were other things on the shelf. Books, a few knickknacks, and most interesting of all were Army medals.

There were several of them, all lined up in boxes. Steve knew enough about the most common medals from working at the Pentagon and seeing them on uniformed personnel but some of these he didn’t recognize. 

The door opened before he could pull out his phone to google them, and he hurried over to sit on the couch, making it seem like he’d been there a while instead of snooping. Bucky walked in and immediately groaned when he saw Steve. “Man, I don’t have it in me for this shit. Not today.” 

When Bucky walked past Steve could _smell_ the beer on him and he huffed. So that’s where Bucky had gone for four hours. He stood up and followed Bucky down the hall. “Bucky, I’m not leaving until you sign these papers-“ He trailed off when he saw Bucky throwing his hoodie onto his bed from the bedroom door. He looked at the _metal_ left arm Bucky had and stared, sucking in a breath as he remembered the medals he had been looking at. 

Bucky walked back, shoving past Steve. “Oh yeah, the arm?” He lifted his hand, wiggling his fingers. “It’s pretty neat, huh? Experimental prosthesis-“

“What happened to your arm?” Steve asked, following Bucky back to the kitchen. He stood, watching as Bucky opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water, eyes still glued to his prosthetic arm.

Bucky took a long swig of water before leaning back against the counter. “IED,” he said simply, meeting Steve’s eyes. “Second tour in Iraq. Outside Ramadi. About nine years ago.”

Steve just shook his head. “Why didn’t I know about that? Why didn’t anybody call me?” he asked breathlessly, trying to imagine a twenty-five year old Bucky losing his arm.

Bucky held his gaze and Steve could see how different his eyes were now. He looked so much older than he was. “Well, you had been gone two years. They called Becca instead and when she asked if I knew how to contact you, I said not to bother.”

“Why the hell not?!” Steve demanded and Bucky raised an eyebrow at him.

“Honestly? I didn’t think you’d give a shit,” he said simply. 

Steve scoffed. “Bucky, come on, of course I would’ve given a shit!”

“You packed your shit the minute I was on a plane to a base here in America!” Bucky yelled. “Why the fuck would I think you would have any interest in the world in my life two years after that?”

“Just because I didn’t want to be married to you anymore didn’t mean you weren’t still an old friend who was _injured in combat_!” Steve shouted back. “Jesus Christ, Bucky, now I remember what that medal in there is, it’s a fuckin’ Purple Heart-“

“Oh so you’re an expert on military medals now, huh?” Bucky interrupted. He pushed his bangs out of his face, gesturing to Steve’s body. “What the fuck happened to you anyways? Are you on steroids? How the hell did you get _taller_?” he demanded, changing the entire subject.

Steve huffed, rolling his eyes. “I got health insurance at my first job and when I started treatment for all the shit that was wrong with me we couldn’t afford before that, I had a late growth spurt. Doctor said it’s rare but it happens as late as twenty-five in some men and I was twenty-three. Grew three inches before I leveled out at twenty-four, and all the rest is just being healthy.”

“You look like an ad for HGH,” Bucky said bluntly and Steve laughed in surprise.

“I’m not on steroids, I just like fitness. Have since I finally was able to breathe without passing out. Physical therapy fixed my back and then I got more and more into it,” he explained, shaking his head. “Steroids. Jesus, Buck.”

Bucky stared at him for a minute then pursed his lips before taking another swig of water. “I’m glad you’re healthy now,” he muttered and Steve was surprised to hear a single sentence out of him that wasn’t defensive or sarcastic.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest as they fell into an awkward silence. Bucky kept drinking his water, looking at Steve. Steve avoided his gaze, but finally he had to look back. Bucky just smirked. Steve sighed. “Bucky, look. I don’t want shit, I don’t owe you shit, I just want you to sign the papers so I can go home.”

Bucky cocked an eyebrow. “Where even is ‘home’?” he asked and Steve gave him a flat look.

“You know where I live, you mailed these papers back multiple times,” he said in a warning tone. 

Bucky grinned. “DC, huh? Why there? What the hell was the draw?” he asked, shaking his head. “You didn’t know anybody in DC.”

Steve shrugged. “I traveled around for a while. Decided I wanted a government job so I’d have good benefits and shit. Where’s better to find a government job than the center of all government?”

“So I assume it worked, huh?”

“Yep,” Steve said simply. “And if you’re done with twenty-questions, I’ve still got those papers.”

Bucky smirked. “Well, you just leave them papers here. I’ll read over ‘em. Have my lawyer check them out-“

“You don’t have a lawyer,” Steve countered in frustration, but Bucky continued.

“And I’ll sign them if I agree to the terms. If you leave the name of whatever hotel you’re staying out, I’ll be sure to get in contact with you tomorrow-“

“I’m not staying at a hotel because you can sign the goddamn papers now!” Steve growled in frustration. “Fuck, Bucky, I could be on the train home tonight, you annoying, hardheaded, stubborn-“

Bucky cut him off, wagging his finger and clicking his tongue. “That language is far from acceptable young Steven-“

“Oh fuck you,” Steve said bluntly. He stormed out into the living room and snatched his bag off the couch. He dug out the papers and threw them on the couch before swinging his bag over his shoulder. “I’m coming back tomorrow morning and if those papers aren’t signed I’ll just file for a contested divorce, Barnes.”

As he stormed out of the apartment he heard Bucky yell, “See you later, Rogers,” just to spite him on the way out.

~

Bucky took a few deep breaths after Steve had gone and then he climbed out his window. 

When he got up to the roof, he found Clint and Bruce drinking beers while Mack stood by the grill, grilling up some burgers. “Thank God,” he said, going straight to the cooler. He was still a _little_ drunk from finding a bar mid-day but he wanted to wash the stress out of his day now that he could finally relax. 

He flopped down into one of the lawn chairs and Bruce looked at him across Clint’s lounge chair. “Bad day?” he asked with a look of sympathy and understanding.

However, Bucky knew he expected a ‘bad day’ like he usually had. “The worst, but not PTSD this time,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t- I don’t even fucking know.” He opened his beer and took a long drink, sliding down in his chair. “I’m so unprepared for the day I just had and it’s over for now.”

Clint glanced at him. “So… I take it you saw him?” Bucky looked over at him so fast he nearly fell out of the cheap, plastic chair. “He was in the hallway sitting by your door.” He shook his head. “Never thought I’d see him around here again and _God_ what the fuck happened to him?”

Bucky snorted. “Apparently decent healthcare, physical therapy, a late-in-life growth spurt, and a love for athletics.” He tugged his ponytail free, rubbing at his dirty hair to try and relieve the headache he felt coming on. “What the fuck man?”

“What’s up?” Bruce asked with a frown. “Who did you see today?”

Bucky looked over at him with a wry grin. “My husband,” he said simply, and he heard Mack curse and the bang of a spatula hitting the grill before thumping to the tar and paper roof.

“Husband?!” Mack asked, turning around to look at Bucky. “You mean you didn’t ever get divorced?”

Bruce’s eyes widened. “Steve was here? What’d he want?”

“A divorce,” Bucky admitted reluctantly, looking down at his beer. “No warning. Just showed up today.” He looked over at Bruce. “Dude, he’s my height and built like Mack now,” he said, and Mack gaped.

“What the fuck? That little short, skinny thing-“

“Is a six foot, Ken Doll,” Clint confirmed. He shook his head. “His biceps looked about the size of my head. Bigger tits than Bobbi,” he added and Bucky snorted on his beer. 

“I heard my name,” a voice called from the fire escape ladder.

Bucky turned around, gesturing. “Hey, look at that!” He spotted Bobbi and Hunter coming over the side of the building. “The whole gang can hear about it now. Just great,” he said and Clint reached out, patting his shoulder. 

“Who’s got bigger boobs than Bob, because I call bullshit,” Hunter said, settling onto Clint’s lap with a dramatic flutter of his eyelashes. “‘Lo, Lover, gimme a kiss,” he leered, trying his best to kiss Clint, who flailed and cried out for help.

“Bucky’s husband, apparently,” Bruce answered and Hunter immediately stopped, turning around just as Bobbi stopped, hand halfway into the cooler.

Bobbi stood up straight. “ _Steve_ ’s back?” she asked, eyes wide.

Bucky nodded. “Taller than you now, if you can imagine it. And yeah, definitely bigger tits,” he said, shaking his head. “He looks like he eats steroids for breakfast now and the last time I saw him, he was about chin height and maybe one-twenty soaking wet.”

“Shit, you alright, Mate?” Hunter asked, looking at him with concern.

Bucky shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, I guess I should’ve figured one day he’d get tired of me never actually divorcing him and coming to make me do it. Just wasn’t expecting it today.” 

Bobbi gave him a stern look. “I told you last time to sign the papers and stop fucking with him. It’s been over a decade. No reason to keep screwing with him just because he left you in a shitty way.”

“Why did he come all the way here?” Bruce asked. “Why not just give up on you signing them and file for a contested divorce?”

Bucky laughed hollowly, looking up at the sky as he leaned back in his chair, raising his beer to his lips. “Guess he doesn’t want to wait for one.” He shook his head. “Alright, who wants to eat a shitload of meat and get entirely plastered with me?” he asked, and Hunter volunteered readily.

He could feel Clint’s eyes burning a hole in the side of his face, but he didn’t push so Bucky didn’t share any more.

~

Bucky was probably as drunk as Clint had ever seen him by the time he got him down the fire escape – and THAT was a heck of a struggle – and into his apartment. Bucky laughed as he stumbled into the wall outside his bedroom, but Clint grabbed him by the waist and tugged him upright, pushing him into the room. “C’mon, Bucky. One foot in front of the other.”

Bucky laughed and tugged Clint with him when Clint finally heaved him onto the bed, making Clint land halfway sprawled across him. Clint sighed and flopped off of him onto the other side of the bed, rolling the rest of the way to his feet. He tugged Bucky’s shoes off and helped him get his legs up onto the bed. “Y’know, I really like alcohol,” Bucky slurred making Clint snicker.

“I can tell, Buddy.” He went to get water and bring it back to Bucky. He helped him sit up and drink some water, making sure he didn’t just drown himself on a bottle of it. Bucky collapsed against the pillows, pushing his hands through his hair. Clint patted his leg. “You good?”

Bucky nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’m okay. Nothin’s really different anyways. Life’s not gonna change any.”

Clint smiled sadly. “You’ve been all but legally divorced for eleven years. Taxes will change, but that’s it.” He shook his head. “It sucks he came around out of nowhere. I know how bad it messed you up when he left. I don’t know why he wouldn’t just do like Bruce said. File for a contested divorce. He’s had more than enough time.”

Bucky rubbed at his eye, flopping his head back. Clint watched him for the longest, waiting for him to say whatever he was clearly thinking about, and finally Bucky met his eyes and then looked away again. Clint watched him swallow and then speak. “He’s engaged to somebody. That’s why he doesn’t wanna wait.” He gave Clint a weak smile, looking up at him. “My husband’s marrying somebody else.” Bucky shook his head. “Shouldn’t be a surprise really. I married ‘em, I understand the appeal.” He looked away from Clint and shuffled across the bed, flopping onto his belly. He picked up a dish with change and ponytail holders and a couple of beer bottle caps and dug around before rolling onto his back, holding something up.

“What’s that?” Clint asked, trying to see closer in the darkness.

Bucky held it up between his right thumb and index finger. “I couldn’t wear it during combat so it didn’t get blown off with my arm,” he muttered and Clint finally realized what he was looking at. 

Bucky was holding his wedding ring. 

“Didn’t know you still had that,” Clint said and Bucky nodded, letting it drop onto his index finger, dangling along the first knuckle. Bucky lay there, looking at his ring in the darkness in silence, and Clint finally reached out, patting his thigh. “Just get some sleep, okay? Drink some more water. You’ll thank me,” he said, and Bucky grunted, clearly done with the conversation. Clint left with one backward glance at Bucky.

~

Steve sighed as he finally flopped onto a bed. It had taken him forever to call his lawyer and get to talk to him without a scheduled call. He asked about what his options would be without Bucky signing the papers and, like he had heard before, it would take as much as two years. He didn’t want to have to explain to Phil why he needed a two year engagement. He didn’t want Phil to ever know he wasn’t the first husband Steve had. Hell, he didn’t want his friends to ever know he was a stupid kid that got married at eighteen, or that he then left his husband at twenty-two and hadn’t _actually_ bothered forcing a divorce since then.

Looking back, Steve felt stupid he never had a contested divorce done sooner. He had the money. It was just a matter of not wanting to bother. He only sent the divorce papers a few times in the eleven years since he left, really. Now he was paying for that choice.

When his phone rang he absolutely did not want to talk to anybody. He crawled across the bed and picked it up, he let out a relieved sigh when he saw who was calling. He answered and rolled onto his back with a small smile. “Sam, I cannot express how glad I am you are the one calling,” he sighed.

“Tough day?” Sam asked curiously. “What’re you doing anyways? What sort of Department of Defense stuff could you being doing in New York?”

Steve yawned. “Something to do with their expenses related to the anti-terror unit. My job is to help them figure out where they can cut costs with better resource management.”

“How long are you gonna be there?” Sam asked.

Steve grumbled as he rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow. “I have no idea,” he sighed heavily. “I hoped I would miraculously get done today but nope. I hope I can finish up tomorrow, but who knows. The people I’m dealing with are entirely… frustrating.”

“Well just hang in there, man.” Sam laughed on the other end suddenly and Steve frowned when he heard Natasha’s voice. “Oh dude, Nat wants to know what your future husband thinks about you being gone for an indeterminate amount of time.”

Steve groaned. “I don’t know but I doubt it’s anything good. We were supposed to start wedding planning. He doesn’t want a long engagement since we don’t plan on a very big wedding. Neither of us have any family so it’s not a big deal about waiting for convenient times for family members. I sorta wish we were taking it more slowly. I’d like a wedding-wedding you know?”

“Did you tell him that?” Sam asked simply.

“No,” Steve admitted. “But I don’t want to try and take over because he’s the one that wants to get married and start a family. I was happy just dating, but he really wants this and I want him to be happy.” He chuckled. “His best friend finally getting divorced made him realize he really wants to be married, which I think is probably the wrong way it should go, but whatever.” He shrugged. “Being married isn’t that different, we’ll just have to move in together. And I like kids. I never thought about them before, but after we get married, we talked about waiting a few years and then adopting. So the sooner we’re married the sooner we’ll start trying to adopt.”

Sam made an amused hum. “What would you know about how different being married is? None of us have ever been married before.”

Steve’s gut twisted and he just forced a laugh. “Yeah but I’ve had a nagging wife in Natasha since we first met, so I’m used to it. Throw in Trip eating all the food in my house when he’s over, I’ve got a fair idea on the kids thing, too.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t tell Phil Natasha’s your ‘nagging wife’… or Nat for that matter,” Sam added. “Pretty sure she’d have your balls for that.”

Steve grimaced at the thought. “Yeah, never let her know I called her my ‘nagging wife’, please.”

“I got you man, don’t worry,” Sam promised. “Alright, well, I’ll let you go, but call me again tomorrow. Keep me up to date on how long you gonna be gone. If it’s a week or more, I’m stealing your motorcycle, just saying.”

“If you touch my bike I’ll end you,” Steve warned, though he knew Sam could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Sam.”

“Goodnight, dude.”

“Yeah, you too,” Steve said, lowering the phone to the bed. He took a long breath and shook his head. 

_This shit better not take a week,_ he thought as he rolled over and tried to go to sleep. 

~

Steve hadn’t really packed anything other than a spare set of clothes and his toothbrush, so he decided to get some essential shopping out of the way the next morning before he went to deal with Bucky again. Deciding to stick with the ‘heading towards Bucky’s place’ direction, he stopped at one of the first stores he came across. It wasn’t exactly CVS, but any store worked. 

As he walked down the cramped aisles, he picked up the stuff he needed, like better body wash than the soap at the hotel, and shampoo that didn’t make his hair feel like plastic. He grabbed some deodorant and stuff, since his little travel size one wasn’t his preferred brand anyways, and some better toothpaste. 

He wandered around the store long enough that he sort of lost track of how much he was grabbing until he started having trouble juggling what all he was holding. He was so caught up with his precarious handling of the small items that he didn’t see a woman coming around the corner until he crashed into her. Both of them lost their items and he cursed. “Oh jeez, sorry for the language,” he said quickly, ducking down to pick the things up. He stood up with all the things in a little pouch made from holding the bottom of his shirt up. “Sorry about this, I’m not usually so clumsy.” 

“Are you- no.” Steve looked up at the elderly lady’s voice – though up was a bit of an overstatement since she was so small - and he tilted his head, since she looked familiar. She smiled brighter. “Oh my, it _is_ you. Steven Rogers, oh how you’ve grown up!”

Steve’s eyes widened when it connected. “Ms. Berkowitz,” he said, a smile growing across his face as he realized it was his old neighbor. She had been old when he and his mom lived beside her, so he hadn’t thought twice about her still being alive.

“Oh Steven,” she said, laughing as she reached out and touched his arm. “I never thought I’d see you again around here. I heard you’d moved,” she said, and he laughed, shaking his head.

“I did, I’m just visiting sort of,” he said, quickly handing her back the bag of cookies and box of garbage bags she had dropped. “I’m really sorry about running into you,” he said and she just smiled brightly.

“Oh, it’s not often I crash into a handsome young man like you, Steven.” She laughed softly. “You look just like your mother,” she said softly and Steve’s throat tightened at the unexpected sentiment. “You always did, but it’s been so long since I thought about either of you. You know, I was so sorry to hear about her passing,” she said sincerely. “She was far too young, and so were you, Dear.”

Steve cleared his throat, nodding. “Thanks, Ms. Berkowitz,” he said, grinning. He nodded to his ‘pouch’ of things. “I should probably go pay for these before they think I’m robbing them,” he joked and she nodded.

“Well I sure am glad I saw you again, Dear.” She patted his wrist. “I hope you have a wonderful visit and a happy future, Steven.”

Steve smiled a wide, honest smile. “Thank you so much. Really,” he said as he let her pass him and go about her shopping. As Steve headed up to the counter, he got there and dumped his stuff on the counter with a relieved exhale that he made it without dropping anything again.

“Well times sure have changed if you’re actually buying something, Steve Rogers.” Steve looked up in surprise, only to blush when he saw the face looking back at him.

“Maiki,” he realized, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Maiki had been the daughter of the guy who owned the bodega down the street from where he lived when, as a kid, he and Bucky (and usually Bobbi) would shoplift drinks and candy and even fruit sometimes. They were the worst to that poor old man. Steve recognized Maiki the second he saw her face. She grinned. “Steve Rogers. I heard a rumor you were back in town. Bruce Banner was talking this morning with that big guy you guys were friends with when he came through.”

Steve grimaced. “I’m already the neighborhood gossip, huh?” He shook his head. “Shocker.”

She leaned across the counter, lowering her voice. “Are you really not legally divorced from that ex of yours? It’s been ages!”

Steve huffed. “Wow, they really do share all my personal shit, huh?” He grumbled. “Yeah, but I’m going to fix that now. Then I’m going home. Gonna have to find new gossip, sorry.”

“Well darn,” Maiki said, winking as she bagged his stuff and told him his total. “Good luck. Barnes is a grumpy motherfucker these days.”

Steve handed her money and took his bag. “Yeah, don’t I know it.”

~

Bucky woke up so hung over he vowed all day to never drink again, even after he started coming around to feeling fine. Which lasted right up until Steve showed up and he wished more than anything that he was drunk again. Bucky managed to duck Steve for a few hours by pretending he wasn’t home, but unfortunately, he came back and this time, he let himself in with a key.

“How the hell did you get that?” Bucky asked as he stared at Steve, who locked up behind himself and tossed the key into the air before catching it again.

“Clint gave it to me. Let me know that I’m technically still on the lease, so it’s my apartment, too.” Bucky watched dubiously as Steve dropped his bag on the other end of the couch and went to the kitchen. “Jesus do you even know what the word ‘healthy’ means?” Steve asked as he came back with a bottle of water. “Pretty sure that refrigerator hasn’t been cleaned since I lived here,” he said bluntly.

Bucky huffed and snorted. “Whatever, Steve. Glad to know you’re suddenly the master of all things clean living,” he muttered.

Steve sighed, sitting on the coffee table in front of him. “That’s the point. Nothing about that is ‘sudden’. It’s been eleven goddamn years and you’re the reason I’m here in the first place. Don’t want me to mock your life choices? Sign the damn divorce papers and I’ll be out of your hair for good.”

He dug out the papers and handed them to Bucky with a pen clipped onto the bundle. Bucky took them with a heavy glare, sitting up to look at them. “The boy I married wouldn’t have ever been so damn uptight-“

“Well I’m not the boy you married, Bucky,” Steve said bluntly. “I haven’t been that boy in over a decade.”

Bucky looked up at Steve’s cold, hard face and the weight in his stomach grew only heavier. “Yeah. I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love as children, huh?” he asked and, for just a moment, he thought he saw a flicker of _Steve_ in those big, blue eyes, but then it was gone again.

“I need this finalized as soon as possible, because Phil doesn’t want to wait to get married to me. I’d really like to be married before New Years, so could you sign already?” Steve asked brusquely and Bucky felt a hot stab of anger at the thought of this ‘Phil’.

Bucky leaned back, tapping his cheek with the pen. “So. Phil. That’s the name of this guy you’re marrying?” He tilted his head. “He like you? Just as stuck up? Big, muscle-bound freak as well?” 

Steve gritted his teeth and grumbled. “Phil’s a lot more patient and kind than I’ll be if you don’t _sign the damn papers_!” he snapped and Bucky harrumphed, tossing the pen and papers onto the table.

“You know, I just remembered something.” He winked. “I’ve got somewhere to be tonight. Going out with friends. You remember those, right? Friends? People that like one another?” He started towards the bedroom, ignoring Steve’s angry spluttering as he chased after him.

Bucky walked over to his closet and dug out a nicer shirt, stripping off his tee-shirt and pulling on the button up. He went over to slip into his boots, stopping at the mirror to take his hair down and shake it out so it would be dry after his shower earlier once he got wherever he was going. He considered shaving but decided he liked the look he had going. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?! Sign these papers first!” Steve demanded and Bucky slid past him, shaking his head.

“No time, sorry.” He winked over his shoulder. “Got places to go and people to see.” Bucky gestured to Steve’s stuff. “Lock up behind you, would ya? Don’t want anybody robbing me while I’m gone.”

He smirked at the noises of outrage Steve made as he left, texting the others to meet him at the bar they always went to.

~

Bucky had not expected Steve to follow him when he left, but sure enough, he had just greeted Clint and helped him carry the first round of drinks to a table Bobbi was holding for them when he spotted Steve entering the bar. “Well shit,” he said, grinning in amusement as Steve looked around, clearly very out of place. Back when they were kids, this was the same bar they had always gone to, but of course Steve would feel out of place. He hadn’t been around.

“Holy shit,” Bobbi muttered as she saw Steve spot them and start over. Her eyes widened as she looked him up and down. “Little Stevie Rogers,” she called in greeting. “Oh my God you grew up pretty!” She ran from behind the table and hugged him. He looked pretty surprised as well, but he did smile when she pulled away, looking at him with a big smile. “Jesus, how the hell have you been?”

“Pretty great,” Steve said, shaking his head. “Man, it’s been a long time.”

“That it has,” Clint said and Steve looked over to smile at Clint, only to spot Bucky and have that smile slip off his face.

“Yeah, well. Not long enough in some cases.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his drink. “You know, it’s not polite to follow somebody around and show up uninvited to a friendly outing,” Bucky drawled. 

About that time Hunter bumped into Steve on his way past with his and Bobbi’s drinks in his hands. “Sorry, Mate, I was just-“ He turned and looked at Steve and gaped. “Bloody hell. No way that’s you, Steve.”

Steve gave a small smile and nodded. “Hey, Hunter. It’s been a long time.”

“Holy shit! Bob, Look at ‘em!” he said, slapping Steve on the arm. “Damn, you look good.” 

Bobbi shoved Hunter onto one of the tall chairs around the table and climbed onto the other with a grin. “I told him that he grew up really pretty,” she said and Hunter winked.

“Damn sure did.” He slung an arm around Bobbi’s shoulders. “Just don’t be getting any idea, Darling, or I’ll have to punch him,” he told her and then grinned at Steve. “And as big as you are, you might could take me now.”

Steve cracked a grin and chuckled. “I could take you back when I was little, what’re you talking about,” he argued and Bucky couldn’t get past how odd it was to be watching Steve interacting with their old friends, looking like he did now. He was not the same Steve Rogers Bucky married, but at the same time, that grin sure looked a lot like his Stevie’s, that was for sure. 

Clint let out a ‘woo’ as he put his phone down. “Mack’s off work and Bruce is getting off the train. Party!”

Steve looked around, shaking his head. “You guys still meet up here after work, huh?” he asked, looking around the bar. “That’s… that’s something.”

“Join us!” Bobbi said, reaching out to grab his wrist. “C’mon, go get a drink and hang out. We can catch up while you wait for this one to get drunk enough to sign those papers before he remembers to fuck with ya,” she said, slapping Bucky in the shoulder with her other hand.

Steve seemed reluctant, but eventually he just nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be back,” he said, heading over to the bar to get a drink.

~

Watching Steve get progressively drunker was the main reason Bucky didn’t bother drinking that much. As the night wore on, he swapped to ginger ale but Steve clearly wasn’t holding back. “So, what do you do?” Mack asked him and Steve brightened up some.

“I work at the Pentagon,” he said and Bucky rolled his eyes at the eager look on Steve’s face. “I’m a resource management analyst for the Department of Defense.” He waved a hand, showing Mack his ring. “And my fiancé is one of the higher up guys in the Department of Homeland Security.”

Mack whistled. “Daaamn, that’s a hell of a ring,” he said, and Bobbi grabbed Steve’s hand to look closer.

“Shit, Babe, why don’t I have a rock like that? I’m the girl here,” she said to Hunter, who snorted.

“If I could afford it, Darling, I might’ve got you one when we got married,” he said.

Steve shook his head, grinning. “It’s so crazy you guys are married. Oh my God you broke up like every two weeks back then!” 

Hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, you and Bucky were together since birth, basically, yet you aren’t married anymore. Clearly things change.”

“We won’t be married if I can get it my way,” he said, swaying some on his stool as he glared over at Bucky. “If he’d just sign some papers allllll of this would be over.” He huffed looking around the bar. “I wouldn’t have had to come back to this shithole at all.”

Hunter raised an eyebrow. “I dunno. The neighborhood isn’t all that bad. We’ve escaped gentrification so far. No upscale hipster bars coming around at least. It’s quite nice for things to stay the same, really. I loved it when we moved here when I was a kid.”

Bobbi nodded. “Yeah, same here. I like the sense of family, you know? Having a neighborhood where everybody knows each other.”

“Yeah, every life failure knows the rest of the failures,” Steve said harshly, making Bucky’s jaw clench. “I mean, look around here,” he said, drunkenly waving a hand. “There’s not like… anything. Nothing happens. I mean, in the biggest city in the country, this one neighborhood is like a time trap. Fuck, pretty sure I saw the same drug dealers on the corner from when I was a kid.”

Clint gave him a strange look, chuckling as he sipped his beer. “And what’s so bad about things being the same? C’mon, man, this is your home.”

“Psh,” Steve swayed back in his chair. “Yeah, _right_. I grew up in this shithole, but I was smart enough to get my ass out of it, too. I mean, look at you,” he said to Clint, who stilled, giving him a warning look. “I mean, your achievement in life is owning the shitty walk-up I grew up in. That’s your legacy. You’re thirty-five and you are a tenement landlord. That’s one step up from like, manager at McDonalds.” He laughed and turned to Bobbi and Hunter. “And you, Bobbi, you were so smart! You could’ve done anything! And you married his dumb ass-“

“Hey!”

“And now you live in the shitty Clint building,” he slurred some. He gestured to himself. “I’ve got an important job and an actual grown up is gonna be my husband soon and he took me on vacation for my birthday and proposed to me on a beach. Did you get proposed to on a beach? C’mon.”

Hunter gave him a stern look. “She’s still been married to me for the past eight years, so I’d say whatever I did to get her to marry me worked.” Bobbi just patted his hand comfortingly.

Steve laughed, turning to Mack. “‘N look at you! Mack! Oh man, Mack. You were my favorite but like, didn’t you go to college and stuff? Why’re you a mechanic? Why’r’n’t you like working at NASA?”

Mack raised an eyebrow. “Because I like working on cars and I get paid to do what I like every day,” he said sternly. “Not everybody hates the same old same old.”

“Well I sure as fuck thought at least _Bruce_!” Steve turned to Bruce, who was looking at him with sadness in his eyes. “Bruce, buddy, man, you were like, the smartest person I’ve ever known! Why’re you a teacher? Dude, you could’ve been like- like building robots and shit! Or curing cancer! ‘N you’re a teacher? Oh my God and you live in the same fucking building as the rest of them,” he said, nearly falling over as he laughed. “Oh man it’s so sad. How pathetic is that? You had more potential than any of these people and look at you!”

“Hey, not everybody grew up to be an asshole like you are,” Bucky intervened finally. “Yeah, we all live in the same fuckin’ building you grew up in because after Clint bought it it seemed like a great idea to have the whole group a few stairs away from one another, but that’s because unlike you, we’re happy with the lives we got.” He shook his head. “I really thought you were better than to talk shit about the place you grew up-“

“Why?” Steve asked coldly, swaying just a bit as he turned to face him. “I grew up, unlike you, and I got a real life, unlike you, and I’m somebody that actually _matters_ in the grand scheme of things, unlike you.” He snorted. “I mean, I help keep the entire country running and what do you all do? Sit around in this one neighborhood, like, do you even ever go into the City?” He looked around at all of them. “What’s it like? Knowing you’re gonna live and die with no impact on the world?”

Bucky swore and stood up, going around the table. “Alright, you’ve had enough, Steve,” he said, dragging him off the stood before the others outraged cries could incite Steve to say more shit. “C’mon, let’s get you back to your hotel,” he said, leading Steve out of the bar.

“Hey, gimme my bag,” Steve demanded and Bucky shoved it into his arms but kept a grip on his elbow.

“Here, take your fucking bag,” Bucky said, absolutely seething. He stopped Steve and dug the hotel key out of his bag then shoved it back at him, reading the key so he could find out where the fuck they were heading.

~

Bucky’s grip on his arm hurt as he marched him through the hotel and dragged him up to his door. “Ow, why’re you so strong?” Steve demanded, only to yelp when Bucky opened the door and then shoved him through it. Steve slipped and fell, but Bucky caught him before he hit the ground. Steve swatted at Bucky as he dragged him over to the bed, but when Bucky let go of him, he giggled at how Bucky’s hair stood out. “You look mad,” he said, closing one eye so Bucky spun less. “‘S it cause I called you a loser?”

Bucky made a frustrated sound. “It’s because you shit on all my friends,” he snapped. “You know what, Steve?” He walked through the room, going into the bathroom and running the water, talking the whole time. “You say all this shit like you know a damn thing about any of us.” Steve slid his shoes off and scooched further up the bed, sitting up with a whine as the room spun. “You don’t get to talk about your old friends like you know them when you left! This is our home. Maybe you don’t remember that, but you ran the same fuckin’ streets I did.” Bucky came back and shoved a glass of water at Steve. “Drink it so you don’t puke and leave a mess for those poor maids.”

Steve grumpily took a sip. “Why do you even fuckin’ care? I don’t!”

“I care because you don’t get to act like you know us anymore!” Bucky cried, going for Steve’s bag. “You wanna know how fucking wrong you are about us? Mack’s dating a goddamn genius engineer at Stark Technologies and knows all the same shit but prefers working on cars because it makes him happy.” Bucky waved a hand. “Bruce is a professor at Columbia University teaching the smartest kids in the world shit that will shape the entire fucking future.” Steve watched curiously as Bucky deflated some. “Hunter and Bobbi-“ He rubbed his hand over his face, going back to digging around in the bag. “They have been trying to have a baby for the past five years and it seems like they can’t have kids.” He turned around, stalking back over to Steve, who felt like a total asshole suddenly. “They live in the same building as all of us because we’re the only family they have. Hell, this is the only family any of us have.” 

Steve couldn’t help himself. He regretted it the instant he said anything, but he said it anyways. “And what about you? You don’t even seem to have a job. You’re the free-loader of the family, huh, Buck?” 

Bucky looked up at him and stared into his eyes for a long minute before shaking his head. “You’re right about one thing, Steve. You sure as hell ain’t the boy I married,” he said roughly. He flattened something out and leaned over it for a bit and when he stood up he threw something at Steve before turning and leaving. “Just fuckin’ get out of our lives before you ruin mine again.”

Bucky had gone by the time Steve’s vision stopped swimming long enough for him to see that the thing in Steve’s hands was the signed divorce papers.

~

Steve woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He whimpered and rolled over reluctantly. He reached out for the phone and pulled it back to his ear with a whine. “Hello?” he asked as he answered without looking, since he just couldn’t open his eyes right now. 

“Steve? Are you still in bed?”

Steve whimpered, wiggling under the covers. “Phil, hey.”

“It’s after eleven,” Phil said and Steve opened his eyes quickly, groaning as he did so. “Steve? Are you sick?”

Steve rolled onto his back, reaching an arm up to feel of his hair. “No, I’m hungover,” he admitted. “I had the night off so I caught up with some of my old friends from when I lived here,” he lied. 

“Oh that’s awesome,” Phil said brightly. “I didn’t know you’d kept in contact with any of your friends from your youth. Did you have fun?” he asked, and Steve’s insides twisted – not from the hangover – as he blinked up at the ceiling. 

“Well.” He didn’t say anything further. He wasn’t sure what to say. How much to reveal. 

“Steve?” Phil asked and Steve decided to be as honest as he could be.

“Phil? Am I stuck up?” he asked softly.

Phil chuckled. “Steve, no, what? C’mon, you’re a very earnest guy. You work hard and you know it. You don’t act like you’re better than anybody.”

“Yeah, except, that’s, that’s basically all I did,” he admitted. “Shit, Phil, I fucked up,” he grumbled, rubbing at his eyes. “All my old friends, we met up at the bar we went to as kids. And they all still live not just in the same neighborhood, but in the building I grew up in. And I just-“ He trailed off, swallowing guiltily. “I got drunk and just- just unleashed on them. About how pathetic they are for not making anything of their lives. I can’t believe I did that. When did I become that person?” he asked.

Phil hummed, sounding hesitant. “Well. I wouldn’t say you’re that bad usually. But I can see it, sort of. You’re very proud of your accomplishments. You are always very proud of your friends accomplishments. Where we are, everybody is a go-getter. All my friends and all your friends, they all live very career-oriented lives. We all have busy, goal-oriented existences. We don’t settle in DC really. Not those of us living the life you and I and your friends here do. You may have changed more than you thought you did.” He chuckled teasingly. “Not that it makes it okay that you got drunk and made fun of your friends lack of mobility.”

“Of course it’s not okay,” Steve whined, rolling onto his belly. “God I’m such a shit, Phil. I’ve just been very stressed with- with this project, and I left New York for a reason, because my mom dying fucked me up, and just yesterday I ran into an old neighbor who told me ‘you look just like your mother’ and _that_ messed me up. I feel like every ounce of anxiety I’ve ever felt is settled right at the base of my skull. I’m such a dick when I’m on edge, apparently.”

“You’re not a dick, Steve,” Phil comforted. “You just made a fool of yourself. Look, I’m sure if you just go apologize to your friends, they won’t hold it against you. They have to understand the pressure you’re under. And you know how to show humility. I know you do. I’ve seen it. Admit to them that you did something wrong and apologize and who knows. Maybe you’ll be surprised. Their goals in life aren’t our government employee goals, but for all you know, they might be very successful in other ways.” Phil made a soft sound. “I mean, I never had relationship success before you. I was successful in a lot of ways, but you’re the first person I’ve ever dated who fits into my life the way it is. Marrying you is a whole new kind of success I have to look forward to.”

Steve smiled, rolling his eyes at Phil. “You’re getting sappy on me, Coulson.”

Phil laughed. “Well you’re turning into a stuck-up drunk jerk, so really I’m the one who can complain, not you,” he said making Steve groan embarrassedly. 

“I’m gonna go drink the entire contents of the water supply for this building and shower and go try to make it up to the people I was a shit to,” Steve said. “I have most everything I need here. I should be able to come home tomorrow afternoon.” He had decided yesterday to allow for this morning to go visit his mom’s grave before he left town, but he doubted he’d get out there today while he hunted down his old friends to apologize to them. One more morning wouldn’t hurt him.

“Alright. I’ll let you go,” Phil said warmly. “Do what you need to do.”

“Bye,” Steve said, hanging up with a groan of pain as he moved. He finally crawled all the way to the edge of the bed and staggered to his feet, ready to – and reluctant to – go try and make up for how big of a jerk he had been the night before.

~

Steve’s first stop was Mack’s garage. It was the one place he knew for sure he could find the person he wanted to apologize to. Well, one of the people at least. He remembered hanging out at the garage Mack worked at when they were just out of high school all the time, and he had mentioned that he owned it now, so Steve knew just where to go.

When he arrived, he walked through the office door and asked the guy at the desk whether Mack was there. When he was told to head on back, he walked into the garage and spotted Mack writing up something at a table. “Hey, Mack,” he said as he walked over and Mack looked up at him in surprise. Steve gave a sheepish wave, walking closer. 

“Well you look pretty shitty.” Mack gave him an amused look. “Hangover bad?”

Steve shrugged. “Could be better,” he said, though he did feel a lot better than he had when he woke up. “Look. I was really shitty last night,” he said and Mack snorted.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” he said slowly.

Steve chuckled. “I’m not using this as an excuse, because there isn’t one for how I behaved, but I just really haven’t handled any of this well.” He looked up at Mack. “I left for a reason, and I never intended to come back. And having to come back has just…” He exhaled hard. “It’s messed me up. A lot. I don’t like being somewhere that reminds me of my mom and I came here already just supremely pissed off with this whole place because I was here because of Bucky. I just… I’m so sorry for everything I said,” he said earnestly. “It doesn’t make it okay I said anything like that. But I couldn’t leave without telling you I’m sorry.”

Mack looked at him for a long time and then shook his head. “I get it, man. I really do. You didn’t say nothing people haven’t thought about me before.” He looked around the shop with a small smile. “But I’m happy. My life is great. I don’t need to live up to somebody else’s expectations of success to be happy. Every day I get up and I spend the entire day doing nothing but things I enjoy.” He looked at the notes and laughed. “Well, doing the paperwork is sorta shitty, but so is paying your bills, it’s just stuff you gotta do.” He reached out, clapping Steve on the shoulder. “I forgive you, man. And it really was good to see you again. It’s always nice to know old friends are doing well in life.” He smiled warmly. “I really do wish you all the best, Steve.”

Steve smiled and laughed softly. “Thanks, Mack. Really, thank you.” He glanced at the door. “I’ve got about, oh, four more apologies to go make. So I better get going.”

Mack laughed. “Well, neither Bruce or Hunter will be home until tonight, but today’s Bobbi’s day off and Clint’s usually home, so you can get started with those two easily enough.”

“Guess that’s where I’m heading then,” Steve said with a rueful smile.

~

Steve remembered what floor Clint said Bobbi and Hunter lived on, but it took three tries to get the right apartment. When Bobbi opened the door, she crossed her arms, leaning against the door casing. “Well I sure didn’t expect to see you,” she said and Steve smiled apologetically.

“Hey, Bobbi. Um, can I come in?” he asked and she eyed him up and down but then nodded, stepping back to let him in. 

Bobbi led him into a much cleaner apartment than either Bucky’s or Clint’s and he smiled at her when he she sat in a chair. He didn’t sit, he remained standing until she rolled her eyes. “Sit down, Steve. I’m not gonna shoot you for being a dick to me.”

Steve’s eyes went wide as he sat on the couch. “Uh, shoot me?”

She nodded, grinning. “Nobody mentioned I’m a cop?”

“Aw damn,” Steve groaned. “I’m even bigger of a dick than I thought,” he said and she laughed. He sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “Look. I’m just- I’m so sorry. I should’ve never said anything I said to any of you guys. I know being drunk doesn’t excuse what I said, but I really feel terrible. You guys were only ever nice to me and I was such an asshole last night.”

Bobbi looked at him for a long while before speaking. “What happened to you, really? You were always a mouthy kid, sure, but you were just downright mean last night. You are so far from what I ever thought Steve Rogers would grow up to be.”

Steve deflated some. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’m really like that. I mean, I think I’ve just become so hostile since I got off the train here because I’m so angry about having to be here in the first place. I’ve sent divorce papers to Bucky five times in the past eleven years and he would always just send them back, so the fact I had to be here at all had me so angry and so hostile. And you guys are his friends, you live in the same place as him, you all stuck around him, and I just took it out on all of you when really I’m just mad at him making my life so difficult just to fuck with me.”

“We were your friends, too, Steve,” she said gently. “I mean, yeah, I get where you’re coming from, but we were just as much your friends as his.”

“Only like you said,” Steve said with a shrug. “I’m not like I used to be. I don’t just look different. My entire life is changed. The lifestyle me and my friends and my fiancé have… it’s all so ‘strive to move up’ so you guys being stagnant and okay with that was the perfect target for me to jump on. I’ve gotten used to that being a sign of weakness.” He waved a hand around them. “Nobody I know really has this ‘settle into a groove and stay there’ mentality like you guys all seem to. But it’s like Mack told me earlier.” He glanced up at her. “He gets to get up every day and do what he loves and knows that tomorrow he’ll do what he loves again. I guess I don’t really understand that, but it doesn’t mean I had any right to belittle that.”

She nodded. “It’s different for each of us, you know? Every day I go to work, it’s something different and dangerous sometimes and I want to come home and have the comfort of knowing what to expect. I have a husband that I know is gonna fall asleep on the couch and start snoring and then fall off the couch when I throw a pillow at him to get him up,” she said with a smile. “I know Clint’s dog is gonna pee on the hallway rug. I know the kids in 3C are gonna run up and down the stairs screaming at eight o’clock any day it isn’t a school day. It’s reliable and comfortable and I like that.” She chuckled. “I’ve never wanted anything more and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything, because it’s mine and I’m happy in it.”

Steve smiled warmly. “And I’m happy for you, Bobbi,” he said with a genuine softness in his tone. “You all deserve the same happiness I have, even if we have it differently. I just… I’m just an asshole,” he said bluntly, making her laugh. “I get it into my head that I’m right and nobody else can be right, too, unless they agree with me. And obviously, I’m wrong. I’m just a jerk.”

She snorted, shaking her head. “That much is for sure.” She winked. “But you were always convinced you were right about everything. So I guess you aren’t entirely different from that skinny little kid who used to sneak me out of third period by pretending you were gonna pass out and needed the tall, strong girl to carry you if you didn’t make it to the nurse,” she said and he laughed out loud, surprised she even remembered that.

“Oh God, that wouldn’t really work now, huh?” he joked and she winked.

“I dunno. I’m still pretty damn strong, even if you’re bigger now.” 

~

Steve felt better after talking with Bobbi and apologizing for how shitty he had been, so he wasn’t feeling quite as bad when he went upstairs to talk to Clint. He had to apologize to him matter how much he didn’t really want to. Clint and Bucky had always been really close when they were younger, and he could only imagine how Clint would react to Steve explaining himself with, ‘Bucky is an ass and makes me angry’. 

When Clint opened the door and saw him, his face fell blank and he spoke tonelessly. “Give me one good reason I should even speak to you?”

Steve’s heart sank. He opened his mouth, took a breath, and hesitated. He licked his lips and looked down. “So I can apologize for being a terrible person last night,” he said earnestly. 

Clint hummed, but stepped back, letting him in. “You better have a hell of an apology planned,” Clint said and Steve nodded.

“Well it starts with, ‘I’m a massive asshole’ and ends with ‘I really am sorry even if that doesn’t change the fact I said it’, if that helps,” Steve joked but Clint just snorted – not in amusement – and walked over to flop down on his couch. Steve saw a fuzzy lump move on the floor beside it and realized it was a dog. “Oh hey, Bobbi mentioned you had a dog.”

“Been to see Bobbi, huh?” Clint asked, and Steve nodded, going to sit.

“Yeah, I had some apologizing to do to a few people,” he said.

Clint gestured to him. “Well you have the floor.”

Steve sighed, clasping his hands together and leaning his elbows on his knees. “Well to start with,” he began, “I’m a massive asshole. I had no right to shit on the lives you guys have all built here just because they don’t match my idea of success. I just- I didn’t see it the right way. I was so angry and high strung already. You add in alcohol, and you get a giant jerk.” He groaned. “I’m just- I’m so embarrassed and so mad at myself because I don’t want you guys to remember me as being a shitty person.”

Clint raised an eyebrow at him. “I want to be honest with you but I sort of think you want me to just focus on that shit you pulled last night,” he said and Steve frowned in confusion. Clint rolled his eyes. “Look, I get that you’re really bothered by being back here. You could see it from a mile away. You’ve been jittery and ready to go full on ‘fight or flight’ from the second I laid eyes on you the past couple days. So yeah, you are a different person and your goals in life are so radically different from ours that to you, we seem to be failures. I can see that you have already had that world-view corrected and you genuinely realize you were a massive shithead last night.” Clint nodded to him. “I accept your apology, you massive shithead.”

Steve chuckled uneasily, ducking his head. “That’s fair. I wouldn’t forgive me either, probably.”

“Why do you care?” Clint asked him, looking at him closely. “You shit on our lives because you don’t live it anymore and you think you’re better than us. So why do you care enough to apologize to us all?”

“Because I don’t think I’m better than you,” Steve stressed. “I just got so used to the upward mobility of my life and all my friends lives in DC and I’m so unused to people who are comfortable with an easy existence. I didn’t actually stop and think, I just got drunk and angry and spoke.” He looked Clint in the eyes and spoke. “Nobody’s life is unworthy just because they aren’t doing some government shit like I do. You could spend all your life doing nothing and as long as you’re happy your life is worth something to you, and I’m just wrong. I was wrong. I’m sorry that I ever belittled all of my old friends’ existences just because you guys are Bucky’s friends and I’m so pissed at him for all the crap he’s given me about this divorce. It’s not your fault he’s being such a frustrating pain in the ass about this.”

Clint looked at him for a long time and chuckled bitterly. “You really think that, don’t you?” Steve hesitated, unsure what to say and Clint shook his head. “You never thought for a minute Bucky may have a different reason to not sign the divorce papers?”

“Why would he? He’s been doing this for the past eleven years, it’s obvious he’s just being petty,” Steve dismissed.

Clint huffed. “God, you’re so fucking stupid,” he said bluntly and Steve gave him an offended look. Clint narrowed his gaze. “You realize he went after you, right?” he asked and Steve frowned.

“What? How? He was in the Army when I left.”

Clint nodded. “Yeah, and then he got blown up in Iraq and got medically discharged.”

Steve couldn’t really understand Clint, because what he said made no sense. “Bucky got hurt two years after I left, Clint-“

“And the _day_ he got out of the hospital he booked a flight to DC because that was the address on the divorce papers.” Clint looked at him long and hard. “Bucky came after you.”

With his pulse pounding in his ears, Steve just stared at him. He couldn’t understand what was being said. “I don’t get it. It had to have been two and a half years by then-“

“Three, Bucky was in the hospital for months,” Clint corrected.

Steve spluttered. “Why would he come after me three years after we split up?! That doesn’t even make sense. If it had been three years since I left, why would it matter?”

Clint sucked his teeth and gave him a look that clearly said ‘what the fuck’. “You left, he didn’t.” He tilted his head at Steve, sitting up from his lounging position. “He went after you because he was going to try and fix things between you.”

Steve blinked. “Really?”

“Yep.” Clint shrugged. “He said when he found out you were working in the government and doing well and saw the house you lived in, he decided that showing up in your life again would just ruin all the shit you’d done for yourself, because if you knew he’d lost his arm, even if you still didn’t want to be with him, you’d want to come back and help take care of him because you were too good of a person to leave him alone after all he’d been through.” 

Steve sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. “Fuck.” He looked up. “Of course I would have. I told him when I saw his arm, even if we were broken up, I still would’ve cared if I had known. It kills me that happened to him. I can want to strangle the life out of him for the shit he’s done to me, but I’d always want him to be okay. Knowing he got hurt that badly would’ve totally had me back in a heartbeat, because he was my best friend for my entire life before he was my husband and then my ex.”

Clint gave him a sad smile. “Bucky’s not a stupid man, Steve. I don’t know what all goes on in his head, because he doesn’t share with the class much, but I’ve got a pretty good idea he wanted to have something for you to come back to. He wanted to be able to provide you with the same life you were growing accustomed to, not some disabled veteran living off an army pension at twenty-five years old.” He sighed. “Looks like he just waited too late and missed his chance.”

Steve couldn’t muster a reply as he sat with a hand over his mouth, looking down at Clint’s dog, still asleep on the floor, and tried to absorb all the information that had just been dumped on him. Clint was good enough of a guy to not say anything the whole time.

~

There was a party on the roof for the whole building that night, so when Clint suggested he hang out with them so he could apologize to Hunter and Bruce, and maybe let them all have a proper goodbye with him this time, Steve could only agree.

“Aw man, you guys have a whole set-up up here, huh?” Steve asked as he helped Clint get the coolers up the fire escape. He laughed at the multiple lawn chairs and lounge chairs and even a kiddie pool off to one side. “Dude, this is great! Back when we were kids, this was just where the old lady that lived down the hall from use would come to smoke pot,” Steve said and Clint snickered.

“Well, I like for the building to feel like a community, you know? We all help each other out. We’re neighbors and most of us don’t have that much else in the way of friends and family besides what we got here.” Clint went back down to get his dog, and Steve finished setting up the cooler with drinks and sorted out the first cooler they’d brought up that had the meat in it. 

There were already some kids playing in the little pool and a few parents sitting around conversing while their kids played, and Steve couldn’t help but smile. When he had grown up there, there hadn’t been many other kids in the building. It was mostly older people and single people. He had lived with his mom with the intention of moving out as soon as he was old enough to find a place with Bucky, but when she got sick right after he turned eighteen, he decided to stay. He and Bucky got married just like they had planned in high school, but instead of move out, Bucky had moved in with them. His mom always told them they should get out and start their life together, but Bucky knew as well as he did that she needed help. Bucky always did love her just as much as he did his own parents. He loved her even more when his parents died in a car accident a year into their marriage and she became the only ‘parent’ he had. 

Steve never minded living with his husband in his childhood bedroom down the hall from his mother, because with the both of them, there was always someone there for her. Bucky spent even more time than Steve taking care of her because, when he got sick with his regular flus and bad colds, he couldn’t take care of her. Half the time Bucky had to take care of both of them at the same time. 

Sarah never told Steve that she was terminal, but he knew by the way Bucky acted around her that she’d told him something she was keeping from Steve. In the end, she got really ill one night, and when they took her to the hospital, the doctors told them what Steve had suspected, that this was the end, and the next night after she passed, he and Bucky went home together and Steve had known immediately that their home would never really feel the same again. 

Now, though, Steve was happy to see that the place he had once called home was now the home to a lot of families, young and old. For all the resentment he’d brought with him into this place, on the other side of ‘pull your head out of your ass, Steve’, this building might be old and sorta shitty, but it was clearly somebody else’s home. There were young couples with new babies and old folks who may not get visits from their own kids, but got visits from their neighbors. There were single people and one family that seemed to have three generations all living together, and all of it was possible because of Clint and the sense of neighborly friendship he seemed to be working hard towards here.

Steve found himself starting to understand exactly why all his old friends were so happy to live the lives they had here. He didn’t even know who his neighbors were in his sub-division, nonetheless have barbecues with them and their family and friends. Growing up, the building didn’t have this type of community, but the neighborhood had been the type of place where people knew each other and the old folks at the corner store asked after his mother when they saw him. He and Bucky would go through the streets collecting other kids for an impromptu baseball game in the empty lot behind the school, and they always knew which kids could come out and play and which ones parents weren’t into that sort of thing. 

He was starting to realize that, for all the times he had focused on the bad things about his old home, there were a lot of good things he had forgotten about in his rush to forget that life and start a new one. It really made Steve question what all else he had let slip away from his memory that might change his perspectives so much.

“Steve?” Steve turned and smiled uneasily when he saw Bucky walking over. “What’re you doing here?” he asked, looking around. “I figured you’d be back home by now.”

Steve sighed, running a hand over his face. “Well, you might have missed it, but I was sort of a massive jerk last night,” he said and Bucky smirked. Steve nodded with an apologetic smile. “I spent the day – after the hangover – apologizing to people for being horrible. I’ve still got to get to Hunter and Bruce, so Clint suggested I stay for the barbecue to catch them.”

Bucky looked around. “Clint didn’t trick you up here to shove you off the edge did he?” Bucky asked, grinning. “He was really pissed at you.”

“Well, I apologized and he made it clear that ‘I accept your apology’ didn’t mean ‘you’re forgiven’ so who knows. I should probably watch my back,” Steve joked.

Bucky shook his head. “Nah, you’re probably safe. He wouldn’t scar the kids for life like that,” he said, looking over at the kids in the little pool and the little toddlers playing with toys beside the pool. “Awww, Carli’s so cute,” he said, seemingly to himself.

Steve looked over. “You know all the kids, huh?” he asked, and Bucky glanced back at him, nodding. 

“Yeah, I’m home a lot so I end up babysitting for people when they need somebody in a pinch. It’s pretty awesome. Clint does, too. His fridge is covered in drawings,” he said, shrugging. “Kids are great. Carli’s the baby in the pink hat,” he said. “She loves Clint better cause of his dog.” 

“Bobbi and Hunter really can’t have kids?” Steve asked in a lower tone, and Bucky gave a sad smile and nodded. Steve shook his head. “That sucks. Bobbi would be a great mom.”

“Definitely.” Bucky and Steve stood there in silence for a while, and Steve couldn’t help but wish Clint hadn’t told him all those things that confused him about Bucky. Of all the things Steve had ever considered regarding his ex, he never imagined that Bucky had ever come after him at any point, nonetheless _years_ after he left. He really wanted a distraction so he didn’t have to think about these things anymore.

Luckily for Steve, his distraction came in the form of Hunter and Bobbi arriving so he could finally go apologize to someone else. “Well, this won’t be pleasant,” he said as he took a breath and Bucky snickered behind his back as he made his way over to Hunter to start what he was sure was going to be an apology full of just as much groveling as he’d done for Clint.

At least Bruce would be the easiest one of them all and he had managed to save him for last.

~

Steve actually ended up having a good deal of fun at the barbecue. After the apologies were out of the way, everybody seemed happy to accept that he really was sorry – though Steve sure wouldn’t have been so easygoing if he was them – and they all just wanted to hang out with their old friend one last time before he left for good. Steve had forgotten after so long how laid back people could be. He thought Trip and Sam were really laid back, but being around his old friends, it was a stark reminder how much of a life in the fast lane he and all the others back home had.

He stayed later than he ever intended, just catching up and hanging out. After everybody else had gone, he stayed to help clean things up, and even when Clint gathered the empty coolers and headed back, he stood over by the side of the building, looking down on the street that was once the only home he ever knew. It was a heavy feeling knowing that so much was still the same here when he had changed so very much.

“You aren’t thinking of jumping, are ya? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, that’d be pretty traumatic for the kids who stay up late in the summer when they look out the window.” Steve smiled sadly at Bucky’s words, but he didn’t bother turning around.

“Nah, just taking it all in.” Bucky came to lean against the side of the building next to him, looking to see what he was looking at. He looked back at Steve, who could feel his gaze even if he didn’t meet his eyes. “Being back here is really weird, Buck. I remember so much I didn’t know was still there just looking from right here.” He pointed over to the street corner. “Mr. Garcetti’s Pomeranian attacked you right there,” he said, and Bucky snorted.

“I hated that damn dog,” he said, looking over at the corner.

Steve smiled and nodded. “Carla Rigosi punched you in the face when we were eight years old right there,” he said, pointing to the stoop of the building across from them.

Bucky smirked. “I deserved it, though. I put a worm in her hair,” he said, looking over at Steve, who met his eyes this time. “You broke your arm right there,” he said, pointing to the fire hydrant Steve had fallen into when they were fifteen and had been running when the sidewalk was icy. “And over there, you and I got into a fist fight when we were in the third grade because I wanted to cheat off your homework,” he said and Steve laughed, remembering how angry he’d been.

“I had very strong morals as a child, and cheating is bad, even if it’s just math homework, you know,” Steve said with a very stern tone, making Bucky snort. Steve looked directly down, at the little area of grass between the sidewalk and the building that had just been gravel when he was little. “Right there’s where you kissed me when I was twelve years old,” Steve said softly. He felt Bucky suck in a breath more than heard it, but Steve’s eyes stayed on that spot. If he tried, he could imagine seeing it now: himself, skinny and panting, pinned to the wall by a bigger boy with wavy brown hair as they kissed that chaste, innocent way children sharing first kisses always were. 

“This roof is the first place we ever had sex,” Bucky added and Steve nodded silently, because he remembered that, too. Two teenagers with no idea what the hell they were doing figuring things out with their hands down each other’s pants, too afraid to get naked in case they got caught. “We were up here the night we decided to get married when we graduated high school.”

Steve smiled softly as he looked at Bucky, meeting his eyes. “Yeah. But you asked me the first time the day you kissed me. Six years, talk about a long engagement, huh, Buck?”

Bucky held his gaze for a second longer before looking back to the street. “What about this one, huh? Gonna be another long engagement? Although, six years might be a bit much for a second time,” he joked, though his voice didn’t really carry the humor intended.

Steve shook his head, resting his chin on his folded arms as he looked at the street again, watching a car drive past. “No. Phil wants to get married in the winter.”

Bucky hummed. “Tell me about this guy. What’s he like? He good lookin’?” he asked, keeping his tone jocular.

“He’s handsome,” Steve said. “He’s older. He’s gonna be forty-five next year.”

“Jesus,” Bucky said, making a face as he processed that. “Shit, more than ten years older than you.”

Steve laughed. “I’m thirty-three, at this point, that doesn’t mean that much. He’s a good guy. Never been married before.” His smile grew softer. “He wants kids. I think we’re gonna adopt in a few years. My friend Sam, he thinks I’ll be a good dad. I’m not sure I’ve ever thought about it.”

“Really?” Bucky asked, sounding genuinely surprised. Steve looked at him and Bucky gave a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Steve’s chest tightened some when Bucky shook his head slightly, looking over his face. “I always thought me and you would have kids, you know? Figured we’d wait a while, grow up some, then adopt.” He exhaled some. “After I joined the army, I figured I’d do a few tours, get my service out of the way, save up some money, that way when I got out we’d have what we needed to start a family.” He rolled his lips together, looking into the distance with a faint bitterness in his eyes. “But I’m glad you’re gonna have that now, at least.”

Steve sighed. “I hated you for joining the Army, but these days, lo and behold, I’m the only non-military person in my group of friends. Phil was in the Army when he was younger even though he works a civilian job now. Sam was Airforce and works at the VA now. Trip was in the Navy and does drug raids and stuff for the DEA now. Natasha says she’s civilian analyst for the CIA, but I’m pretty sure she’s a spy,” he said with a chuckle. “But she was in the military in Russia before she immigrated. Not sure how their branches work, though.”

“Why did you leave me?” Bucky asked suddenly, looking for all the world like he wanted to know but hated asking. “I’ve always wondered. You just left. I didn’t even realize you were gone until you stopped answering my calls from training and then I got divorce papers.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Because you abandoned me, Bucky-“

“How, though?” Bucky demanded, looking at him. “Steve, I joined the Army because we needed something more than what we had and that was an excellent way to do it. The pay may not be much, but it got us housing allowance, it got us insurance, it ensured I’d have a pension when we were older, and I could go to college if I wanted to later on-“

Steve looked up with pained eyes. “My mother had just _died_ and my husband decided to fuck off to the Army, how else could anybody think of it? I told you! When you said you were joining, I said I didn’t want you to-“

“I thought you were just worried about me,” Bucky argued. “Christ, Steve, I figured you were just worried and you’d get over it! You always got angry when you were worried about anything, you did that when we were six years old in the first grade, how was I supposed to realize you weren’t just worried about me? You just _left_ -“

Steve shook his head vehemently. “You were running away, Bucky. We were doing just fine how we were. We were able to take care of Mom without all that shit, and then as soon as she was gone, when I needed you the _most_ I ever had in my entire life, you joined the goddamn Army at the height of that fucking war! I needed my husband! I needed my best friend!” Steve stood up, turning away from the side of the building to walk back towards the fire escape. “I don’t know why it even matters, Bucky. You left me first, whether you want to admit it or not-“

Bucky grabbed his wrist, stopping him, and pulled him around to face him. “I never left you,” he said, voice full of emotion and eyes glittering in the darkness. “You- You don’t get to say I left you first. I didn’t want to go to war, but I knew damn well that I wasn’t going to let you get as sick as your mom did. We couldn’t afford half the shit you needed, none of the treatments, none of the medicines, and I wanted _more_ for _you_ ,” he spat. “Don’t you dare say I ran away from you, Steve.” He shook his head firmly, mouth in a tight line. “I found the best option to try and give you _everything_ I ever wanted for us, and all it got me was you leaving me.” He held Steve’s gaze with fire in his eyes even as they shone with dampness. “I might shouldn’t have left you alone so soon after your mom died, and for that I am always going to be sorry, but I knew if you were ever going to make it to thirty, I had to do something to get us a better life real fast, Steve.”

Steve swallowed around the lump in his throat, looking down at the metal hand clasped around his forearm. “Bucky, what does it matter now?” he asked weakly. “That was over a decade ago-“

“It matters because I never knew what I did wrong,” Bucky gritted out, voice strained. “All I ever did was love you, and I never understood why you didn’t love me anymore.” He blinked and Steve’s heart broke some when he watched a tear slip down Bucky’s cheek. Bucky smiled tearfully and laughed uneasily. “When I was fucking laying there, bleeding to death in some goddamn dessert two years after you were gone, the whole time I just looked at the goddamn sparks floating over me and tried to work it out because I wasn’t ready to die without knowing why my husband didn’t want me, because I still hadn’t worked it out.”

“Bucky-“

Bucky pushed on. “I promised myself, and God, and whoever else might be listening that if I made it, if I lived, I’d go after you. I’d find you and make you tell me what I did wrong, and I’d promise you I would fix it, or change it, or be whatever you wanted me to be if you’d just- just love me again.”

Steve looked down at the roof underfoot, avoiding Bucky’s eyes before the pain in them broke his heart anymore. “Clint told me you came after me. After you got out of the hospital. He said you found out where I worked and saw my house and knew you had to change before I’d ever give you a chance.” He forced himself to look up at Bucky and meet his eyes. “He said it wasn’t just spite that kept you from signing the divorce papers all those times.”

“I never signed them because I wasn’t ready for you to not be my husband anymore,” Bucky said weakly, voice breaking. “Even if I never saw you, or never spoke to you, you were still my husband the only way I had any control over. I was still Steve Rogers’s husband. No matter what happened, I was still yours.”

Steve let out a sound somewhere between a disbelieving laugh and a pained whimper. “Even the last time three years ago?”

“Even now,” Bucky squeaked, his big blue eyes red around the edges. “I signed them and I’m still not ready,” he whimpered. “I’m not your husband anymore and it kills me, Stevie.”

Steve’s breath escaped in a gasp. “Bucky.” He opened his eyes and looked into Bucky’s and all he saw as an open vulnerability that he hadn’t ever thought he would see ever again. Those big, blue eyes were the same ones he’d looked into the moments before his first kiss, they were the same ones he’d looked into in the span of the breath in which the priest announced them married, they were the same eyes he’d saw full of fear looking down on him though every asthma attack and fit of pneumonia he ever had, they were the same eyes that had been full of sorrow when the doctor told him his mother was gone, and they were the same beautiful, perfect eyes he’d seen full of love and longing and apology the morning Bucky had shipped out three days before Steve left him. 

Everything about Bucky had been beautiful when Steve was with him, but his open, honest eyes had been what made Steve fall in love with him in the first place. Steve sucked in a breath and, without thinking, he pulled his arm free of Bucky’s grip and stepped into Bucky’s space, closing the distance between them to zero, and before Bucky could even blink, Steve kissed him. It was a feeling unlike any Steve had felt in a long time. It was something beautiful, and painful, and something that felt like coming home in a way Steve had forgotten ‘home’ could ever be. Bucky made a sound against his mouth, and Steve felt a cool, metal hand curl around his cheek as Bucky kissed him back.

However, after only a small moment, Bucky pulled away, forehead pressed to Steve’s, but his hands stopped Steve from following his lips. “Buck,” Steve breathed and Bucky cleared his throat, licking his lips.

“Stevie.” He shook his head slowly. “You’re engaged to somebody else, Sweet Heart.” Steve’s chest hurt like he’d been punched at that long-forgotten nickname. He looked up, tears in his eyes, and Bucky smiled at him. “Just go home. Get married. Forget about all of this. Forget about me.”

Steve sucked in a breath and stepped away, putting his fingers to his lips. He was right, after all. Steve was marrying Phil, and yet just then, all he had wanted to do was kiss Bucky. Bucky gave him a crooked grin, shaking his head. “Just go be happy, Steve.”

Steve nodded quickly, jarring a stray tear loose. “I- I-I’m going home tomorrow,” he stammered. He pressed his hands to his thighs, rubbing them against his jeans. “I’m gonna go to the cemetery in the morning and visit Mom’s grave, but then I’m- I’m going back to DC,” he said with a heavy exhale. “I- I just-“

“Steve,” Bucky interrupted, and Steve looked at him, going quiet. Bucky gave him a long, slow smile and nodded. “Goodbye, Stevie.”

Steve sniffed and nodded, smiling weakly. “Bye, Buck.”

He wasted no time climbing down the fire escape, knowing that if he looked back, there was no telling what he might do or say. He needed to go home, and get there fast.

~

Bucky barely slept after Steve had gone, so when Clint came to knock on his door early the next morning, he was already awake. When he opened the door, Clint had something in his hand. “Hey, you know what hotel Steve’s at, right? This was on the roof,” he said, and Bucky saw that it was Steve’s phone. “I figured I should get it to him before he checks out.”

Bucky held out his hand. “I’m heading out, so I can drop it at the front desk. If he isn’t there, they can at least mail it to him,” he added.

“Sure, man, thanks,” Clint said, giving it to Bucky. “Hey, you okay? You were still up there with him when I turned in,” Clint said, looking at him closely.

Bucky managed a small, sad smile, and nodded. “Yeah, it was pretty good to talk. Finally settle some stuff. Figure out why he left and all that.”

Clint’s eyes widened. “Shit, you actually asked him that?”

“Yep,” Bucky said, leaning against the door casing. “Apparently, he saw me joining the Army as running away from him and abandoning him when he needed me the most.” Bucky winced. “I guess, honestly, I can see that.” He sighed. “I needed to find a way to take care of him, but he just needed somebody there after his mom died. I really should’ve figured that one out a long time ago, huh? Not exactly the least obvious reason to leave, huh?”

“Nah, that actually does make a lot of sense,” Clint agreed reluctantly. “Shit. Well, at least now you know?” he said, and Bucky let out a heavy sigh.

“Closure is good, I guess. Just sucks I waited eleven years to get it.”

~

When Bucky got to Steve’s hotel, he waited for the guy at the counter to walk away and pull out his phone before stepping up to the receptionist. “Hey,” he greeted, “This guy who was staying here left his phone and I was wondering if he’d checked out or if he was still here, or if you at least knew an address to mail his phone to,” he said, laying the phone on the counter. It started ringing and he glanced at it before giving the lady a grin. “His name’s Steve Rogers. He was staying on the twelfth floor.”

The lady looked at him curiously, than glanced behind him. “Well, actually, Mr. Rogers checked out, but that gentleman over there was looking for him as well.”

Bucky looked around at the man on the phone and then looked back at Steve’s ringing phone. He picked it up and saw that ‘Phil Coulson’ was calling, and, when it stopped ringing, he looked back at the man, who had now lowered his phone and was typing something. “Excuse me,” he said to the lady and then turned to walk over to the guy. “Hey, are you Phil Coulson?”

The man looked up and Bucky was taken aback by how (nontraditionally) handsome the man before him was. Steve hadn’t been lying about that. “Yes?” he asked uncertainly.

Bucky held up Steve’s phone, which said, ‘one missed call from: Phil Coulson’. “I was coming to return Steve’s phone, and the lady at the desk said you were looking for him, too.” He held out his hand. “I’m Bucky Barnes.”

Phil looked confused, but shook his hand. “Phil Coulson. I’m Steve’s fiancé. Are you one of the friends he mentioned visiting?” he asked politely. 

Bucky’s smile slipped some, but he caught it before shock could take over his face. “Steve never mentioned me? At all?” 

“Steve doesn’t really talk about his old life.” Phil shrugged. “Hell, I only knew he came from Brooklyn and his mom died when he was young until he came for this business trip.”

Bucky stared for a moment. “Business trip. Yeah, that’s what he said he was here for,” he said, catching himself quickly. “Well, hey, I won’t keep you. I just thought maybe you could give this back to Steve for me? He left it last night when he came to a party in his old building.”

“Hey, any chance you know where he went?” Phil asked him, gesturing to the door. “He told me he was coming home later this afternoon so I decided to surprise him by showing up and maybe spending a few days in the city.” He looked at his phone and then at Steve’s phone. “Guess now that wasn’t such a smart idea.”

Bucky wanted so badly to hate this guy, but honestly, he seemed to be pretty damn nice. It was frustrating. “Actually he mentioned going to the cemetery. Visit his mom’s grave.”

Phil nodded. “You know where that is?” he asked, and Bucky exhaled, putting his hands on his hips as he tried to think about how the hell to explain those directions. He glanced over at Phil and tilted his head.

“Any chance you wanna just let me take you there?”

“Oh no, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Phil said quickly. “That’s too much of a trouble.”

Bucky internally wanted to shout because this guy was seriously too nice for how much Bucky wanted to hate him. “Look, I’ll never be able to explain it, and I’m free all day. I could lead you right to her grave.”

Phil eyed him for a moment and then nodded, giving him a small smile. “Sure, then. Sounds great.” 

“Great, let’s go,” Bucky said, leading the way. 

Phil chuckled. “You know, I’m really lucky I ran into you. Not surprising, though, that Steve would have such nice friends.”

Bucky huffed softly, mostly under his breath. “Yeah, sure does.”

~

Steve felt a strange sense of longing as he found his mom’s grave. He walked over and squatted down, putting the flowers he had brought with him on the grave. He had never missed his mom more than he did after all the things he’d been through the last few days. “Um. Hey, Mom,” he said, looking around to make sure nobody was watching him. There was nobody else around so he sat down, crossing his legs. “This is sorta weird. I haven’t really visited a cemetery before. After the funeral it wasn’t but a few weeks before I left for good so I never really had a chance.”

He chuckled bitterly. “A lot’s happened since then. I divorced Bucky. Well, I left, technically the divorce isn’t filed yet. I don’t know if you’d be too happy about that, but you always did love Bucky about as much as you did me,” he joked, smiling as he reached out and picked at the vines near the base of the gravestone. “I live in Washington, DC now. I’m getting married to a different guy. You would probably like him. He’s older than me but he’s a great guy. I’m not gonna find a better husband than him. His name is Phil. I’ve got a really great life in store for me with him as my partner,” he said with a slow nod.

Steve let out a heavy sigh, bowing his head some. “God, Mom, before I came here I was so sure of everything about my life, and now… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve changed and not necessarily in a good way. I didn’t even realize it until I got here and just became such an asshole to the people I grew up with.” He grinned. “You would’ve smacked the shit out of me for that one, I know that for sure. I was just so horrible because I have this stupid ‘I’m better than you’ complex that I never knew was there until I was suddenly not around people who all live the same kinda life I do.” He bit his lip, picking at the skin along the edge of his thumbnail as he looked down at his hands in his lap. “I sorta hate who I’ve become, Mom.” 

He groaned, propping his elbows on his knees as he rubbed at his face, pushing his hands through his hair as his head hung. “Last night Bucky and I talked about why I left and why he joined the Army and he told me-“ He hesitated, sucking in a breath. “He told me the reason he wouldn’t sign the divorce papers all this time is because he still- he didn’t want to not be my husband anymore. God, Mom, what the hell is going on in my brain?” He laughed bitterly. “Or in here,” he said, rubbing at his chest. “I _kissed_ him. I’m marrying another man and I kissed my ex because he- I think he still loves me. It’s been eleven years, how is that even possible?” He laced his fingers behind his head, leaning closer to his knees. “God, Mom, I’m just so confused and I don’t know anything that seemed so certain just a few days ago.” 

He smiled tightly, eyes stinging some as he looked at the name Sarah Rogers carved into the stone. “I don’t think I’ve ever wished I could just ask you for advice as much as I do right now, Mom. You always knew what to do.”

~

“So, Bucky, right?” Bucky glanced at Phil and nodded. “Bucky, what do you do?”

Bucky chuckled. “I’m actually a software developer,” he said, deciding to just be honest with the guy. Steve thought he was an unemployed bum, but no reason to lie to his fiancé just because Steve jumped to conclusions. 

Phil looked impressed. “Really? What field? Like, stuff for computers or apps or something else?”

Bucky lifted his prosthetic arm and pushed the sleeve of his hoodie up to show Phil. “I work on the software and programming for these bad boys.” He wiggled his fingers. “I have the same dexterity of a normal hand. It’s all still experimental and testing now, but I work for Stark Industries. They expect to go wide with these in the next two years. For the past five, there’s been a lot of testing and stuff. I actually had the first model, but this one is an upgrade from that so that I have some sensation in my fingertips due to these sensors that feed electric impulses to your nerve endings.”

“That’s amazing,” Phil said, looking rightly impressed. “That’ll change a lot of lives.” He gestured to himself. “I work with the Department of Homeland Security, so I work with a lot of veterans, and more than a few of them have lost limbs. The thought of something like that for those who want them sounds incredible.”

Bucky raised his hand again. “IED in Iraq.” He shook his head. “I was only twenty-five when I lost my arm. I know people learn to live with a lot less than just a missing arm, but before I started working at Stark Industries and became the guinea pig for these things, I had so much trouble with simple shit.” He laughed. “Opening jars was the worst. That and beer bottles,” he said, grinning. “Nothing like having to go ask my best friend next door to open my damn beer and mayo so I can eat a burger.”

Phil smiled, clearly not sure if he should laugh at an amputee and Bucky found it amusing how polite this guy was. “So how did you end up working at Stark Industries?”

“Well, I needed something to do, so when I got home, I went to college. Actually was pretty good at it,” he said, still surprised by his own success. “I got a degree in IT and my friend Bruce, he’s a professor now but he was doing some grad-student studies at Stark Industries when I started college, and he managed to get me a job doing general IT stuff there, in the city, but when they started looking for people to volunteer to do medical testing for advanced prosthetics I volunteered and, being a volunteer and an employee, I got the most questions, since they didn’t have to just check in with me every once in a while like most of the random citizen volunteers. I ended up showing them suggestions on improvements and eventually it just made sense to let me start writing the code myself and making some of the software changes.” He smirked. “Now I get to just write some code and send it in from the comfort of my living room and get paid for it. Nothing like just working at home from my laptop.”

Phil sighed. “Oh, that would be the life.” He shook his head. “I’ve been a good worker bee for the past twenty years. It’s paid off, but the vacation Steve and I just got back from is the first one I’ve gone on in a good ten years.” He gestured absently. “And the only reason I did that was because I wanted a romantic proposal. We went on the trip for a late birthday present for him, but the real reason was so I could propose.”

Bucky looked down at his feet, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets uncomfortably. The tightness in his chest was unpleasant to say the least as he listened to Phil talking about proposing to Bucky’s husband. Ex-husband. “Yeah. I didn’t so much as propose to my ex as inform him we were gonna get married,” he said with a small smile, eye still on the sidewalk rather than risk glancing up and catching Phil’s eyes. “Granted, I was thirteen,” he added softly.

“Whoa, that’s not one you hear every day,” Phil said, and Bucky sighed, nodding. “What happened? If you don’t mind me asking,” Phil added quickly. 

Bucky shook his head. “We got married after high school. It was great right up until the day he left.” He shrugged, scrunching his nose. “But I mean, that’s what you get for marrying the first boy you ever kissed when you guys were in the seventh grade, I guess. Nobody finds their soulmate when they’re a child. Not that shocking we ended up divorced.”

Phil hummed. “Honestly, I never had any serious relationships before this one. Nobody could put up with my work schedule.” He laughed. “It paid off, though. Steve and I only got together in January and we’ll be married before our one-year anniversary. He’s a good guy, and I’m just tired of waiting, you know?” he added. “I’m getting on up there, and I definitely won’t find anybody else.”

Bucky looked over at him for a moment, searching his face. “But you love him, don’t ya?”

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said, nodding. “Yeah, Steve’s great. Who wouldn’t love him? He’s a great choice for a husband. Very understanding, and very dedicated to anything he starts. Couldn’t ask for a more solid partnership.”

Bucky watched him as he spoke and every word felt like acid in his stomach. He looked ahead, fighting to keep his face straight. It was obvious that Phil didn’t really appreciate what the fuck he was getting. He was marrying Steve and the most affectionate thing he could say about loving Steve was that it was a ‘great partnership’. Like they were going into business. “My ex, he was always a wild, fun guy,” he said suddenly. “Loved getting into trouble, you know? Pranking the neighbors, getting into shouting matches at the bar when he caught somebody cheating at darts, once or twice even ended up running from the cops with him.” He smiled at the memory. 

“Man, we had some fun times. One time, our friend bought water balloons and we climbed on top of his building and tossed them off at this real mean old man who used to yell dirty shit at girls across the street. We missed the man and hit a cop car and oh God,” Bucky laughed. “We had to leg it. Ran down the fire escape and ran halfway to Coney Island before we finally slipped the cops. He had real bad asthma so here we were, trying not to go to jail, and I’m worried he’s gonna have an asthma attack from all the running, so we tried to go through alleys and shit but the cops kept on us, and then finally, when we lost him, he nearly passed out from all the running and I had to give him a piggy back ride all the way home.” He shook his head fondly, smiling into the distance as he remembered that day. “We’d made it a good twenty blocks, too, and as little as he was, he was heavy as shit, but whenever I started to put him down, he’d start coughing and I couldn’t let him _die_ , so I had to carry him all the way home, skinny arms choking me and all. I mean, we were married already by then, but we got married when he turned eighteen, so we were still dumb kids.”

Phil looked at him and Bucky saw the amusement in his eyes. “Whatever happened to him? Seems like you really loved him.”

Bucky sighed, shaking his head sadly. “Just a stupid misunderstanding that went bad. I wanted to take better care of him, so I joined the Army. He thought I was joining to get away from him and abandon him, and I had no idea he felt that way, but by the time I figured it out it had been far too late. He’d already left me. Left town. Just… mailed me the divorce papers.”

“You never tried to win him back? Explain what happened and fix things?” Phil asked skeptically. “Seems from that smile on your face he meant something special.”

“He meant everything,” Bucky admitted, allowing his heart to go into those three words. “But by the time I got a chance, I’d lost my arm, I had the worst trouble with PTSD, I didn’t have anything going for me…” He trailed off and pursed his lips as he swallowed. “His life was better off.” He glanced at Phil and was reminded once again that, in his own way, Phil really was the right man to give Steve the life he wanted and deserved. Even if he didn’t love Steve the way Bucky did, love wasn’t everything, after all. Bucky never could provide Steve the life he deserved, and maybe he didn’t need somebody to provide him with anything these days, but the life Steve lived and enjoyed living needed somebody like Phil. Someone reliable, and polite, and he seemed to be a really good guy, even if his feelings weren’t that strong. They would be happy together, Bucky could tell. That’s more than he ever had a shot at giving Steve. Bucky looked ahead, smiling sadly. “He’s got somebody better than my dumb ass now, at least.”

Phil seemed to catch onto Bucky’s reluctance to speak anymore, and they kept their silence the rest of the way to the cemetery. When they got there, Bucky led the way to Sarah Rogers’s grave. When they came over the hill, he could see Steve sitting on the ground in front of his mom’s gravestone. Bucky had always kept up bringing flowers for her whenever he remembered to, but he could see Steve had brought new ones. Phil spotted Steve and perked up, speeding up his steps some. “Steve!”

Steve looked around, head jerking back and forth comically, before spotting them and scrambling to his feet. “Phil? Phil, what on earth are you doing here?” He smiled when Phil walked up to him and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Phil slid his arm around Steve’s waist, turning to face Bucky, but Bucky’s eyes were fixed on Steve’s wide, shocked eyes as they stared back at him. “Your friend was dropping off your phone at the hotel and mentioned you were going to come here. He offered to bring me. I came to surprise you but you had already checked out.”

“I think he’s surprised alright,” Bucky said, and Steve swallowed hard, staring at him.

“Buck… what’d you- I mean how did you- Do you know who-“ Steve floundered some and looked at Phil. “Phil, I swear, I didn’t-“

Bucky shook his head, disappointment but no surprise settling into his bones as he looked at Steve. “Looks a lot like Phil and I fell in love with very different people after all. Didn’t even know about me.” He gave Steve a disappointed look. “And you’re marrying the poor guy.”

Phil glanced between them, smiling uncertainly. “What’re you guys talking about?”

Steve sucked in a breath, deflating. “Phil, I’m so sorry I never told you but I- I was married before.”

“To me,” Bucky added helpfully, his gaze leveled on Steve even as Phil pulled away from him in surprise.

“What? No way. That guy you ran from the cops with was _Steve_?” Phil asked skeptically, but Steve just nodded, ducking his head.

“Phil, I’m so sorry I lied to you, I just never wanted you to know about my past-“

“Because gosh, what a disappointment that was, huh?” Bucky asked coldly, still smiling without humor in his eyes. “It’s one thing to treat your friends like shit, Steve, but to be so ashamed of the life we grew up in that you never even told your fiancé you were married before? I would’ve never thought you for a liar. You’re a lot of things, but I sure never thought you were just a flat out liar,” Bucky said softly. “Glad to know I was something you were ashamed of to the point you couldn’t even tell the man you’re marrying you once were my husband.”

“Bucky, you know I didn’t-“

“Oh give it up,” Bucky said with a shrug. “You meant every damn thing you’ve said about me and our old life.” He held his hands up as he started to walk backwards. “But hey, I signed those papers. I’m not your problem anymore.” He saluted Phil mockingly. “You seem like a decent guy, my friend. Good luck with this one. I mean, that, too. He probably doesn’t deserve you, actually, but I don’t know you that well, so who knows. Maybe he won’t break your heart like he did mine.”

Bucky didn’t wait around to watch the argument he knew would happen once Phil realized how long Steve had been lying to him. Bucky was done. He was just done. 

~

Steve sat across from Phil in silence on the train ride home. After Bucky revealed their past to Phil, Phil didn’t really feel like sticking around the city together anymore. In fact, he hadn’t spoken to Steve more than a few words the whole day. The train was largely empty in first class so Steve decided, after looking around, to try and engage Phil. 

“Phil, I’m sorry I never told you about my past,” he started and Phil looked up from his phone with a highly judgmental look.

“You had a husband before me and in all the time we’ve dated that never came up? I respected that you didn’t want to talk about past relationships, but your ex-husband?” He shook his head faintly. “That’s something that matters, Steve.”

Steve sucked in a breath. “Technically we’re still married,” he said quickly. “That’s what he meant about signing papers.” Phil stared at him with an unhappy look. “I haven’t filed the papers yet but he signed them so it won’t take but a month or so to get everything finalized.”

“You didn’t even bother getting divorced until we got engaged?” Phil asked slowly and Steve shook his head quickly.

“No, I’ve tried! I sent him divorce papers every few years. He just returned them unsigned.”

“And you never thought that was something I should know?” Phil demanded. “That you had an estranged husband? Steve, you have a man you’re _married_ to out there and I had no idea. That’s not an ex-boyfriend, Steve, that’s something you talk to your partner about.”

Steve groaned. “Phil, I married him _two weeks_ after I turned eighteen. I was embarrassed! I didn’t want you to realize what I grew up in! Who I am now is not the person I was there. You don’t know that kid. You don’t know anything about that kid, you only know me, Phil,” he stressed. He looked Phil in the eyes and tried to impress upon him how sincere he was. “I didn’t want you to judge me based on my past, and I’m sorry if that’s lying or deception, but I wanted you to care about me, and I wanted to be with you, and I thought-“

“Thought what?” Phil asked, shaking his head. “That if I knew you had a sketchy past I wouldn’t want to date you? Or that I’d change my mind about wanting to marry you?”

Steve hesitated. “Well… I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” he said simply. “I wouldn’t want to date some stupid guy who got married to the first boy he ever kissed and was divorced before he’d even finished _growing_. That makes me sound like I make bad decisions.”

“Everybody makes bad decisions.” Phil sighed, settling his head against his hand, leaning against the headrest of his seat. He looked out the window, and Steve watched his face, trying to read it. He had never been able to read Phil like he could his friends, that was for sure. “I don’t know what to be more offended by, the fact you think I wouldn’t like you because you made bad decisions as a _child_ , or the fact that you thought I wouldn’t want to marry you because of your past, Steve.” He snorted. “I didn’t meet your past. I met you. And I can’t imagine why you think of me like that.”

Steve licked his lips, pressing his palms into his thighs. “Probably because I didn’t realize how much of a stuck up snob I’ve become,” he admitted. “I was thinking like me.” He looked down at his lap. “If I were you, Phil, I wouldn’t want to marry me, but because I’m an asshole, not because of my past.” He smiled sadly. “No wonder Bucky tried to warn you how terrible I am after how big of a jerk I’ve become.”

Phil made a soft sound and Steve glanced up just in time for Phil to grab his hand, pulling it across the gap. Steve watched curiously as Phil grabbed his ring finger and straightened it out, holding his hand up so Steve had to look at his ring. “You see that? If you were as much of a jerk to me as you were to them, that wouldn’t be there. You did something shitty treating your old friends that way. And maybe you have become a snob. But we have very similar lives so I never had any opportunity to see your snobbish side. And now that I know about it, you do, too.” He curled both hands around Steve’s, stroking his knuckles as he looked up at Steve. “Do you still want to marry me?”

“Yes,” Steve said softly, and Phil smiled.

“Then I’m going to marry you.” Steve smiled and rolled his eyes, curling his fingers through Phil’s, squeezing them tightly as they shared a long look.

~

“I just don’t know, Sam.” Steve pouted from his spot lying on Sam’s couch while he cooked breakfast and Natasha sat on the counter sipping coffee. “I don’t know who I am anymore I don’t think. I didn’t realize how far off I’d gotten until now.”

Natasha grunted. “You still haven’t actually explained why Phil and you were fighting. You said you were a jerk to some people at home and that Phil got to see how shitty you are and it led to a big fight.”

“I’ve changed. A lot,” Steve said with a wide-eyed look her way. “Why didn’t you tell me I’m a snob?”

She shrugged. “You’re not a snob. You’re just a workaholic. Also, I don’t really care. I’m an asshole and I know it and I’m okay with that.”

Sam chuckled. “You’re a little uptight but not a snob. At least not that I’ve seen.”

“Well I am,” Steve argued. “I was a total dick.”

“Are you ever gonna spill or do I need to get Natasha to beat it out of you?” Sam asked as he whisked the eggs and Steve hesitated.

He had hid his past from everybody for a long time. He figured if he was going to be truthful he may as well just spit it out. “I didn’t go to New York for a business trip, I went to force my estranged husband to sign divorce papers finally.”

Predictably, Natasha jerked so fast she sloshed hot coffee onto Sam and Sam dropped his whisk in shock before reacting to the hot coffee by dropping the bowl as well, sloshing half-whisked eggs on the countertop. “You were married?!” Natasha asked and Sam shook his head.

“Dude… why didn’t I know you were married? I’m your best friend!” he said, glaring at him.

Steve shrugged. “I was ashamed of my past. I was a dumb kid who grew up poor and wild,” he said, looking over at them both with an uneasy smile. “I’m a successful person here. I literally have nothing the same now, not even my appearance. I had a lot of health problems we didn’t have money to treat when I was there, so when I got here and my first job gave me good health insurance, I got treatments and therapies and I actually had a late growth spurt and grew three inches in my mid-twenties.” He shook his head. “I came here to start over fresh and I did so I never told anybody about my past.”

Natasha gestured with her now-less-full coffee cup. “How do you have an ex-husband if you moved here while you were still young enough to _grow_?”

He put a hand over his eyes in shame. “Got married two weeks after I turned eighteen to the first boy I ever kissed when I was twelve.”

“Steve!” He lifted his hand and saw Sam staring at him in shock and Natasha narrowing her eyes suspiciously. “You honestly are ashamed of dumb choices as a kid to the point you lied about all of this shit to us?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “It was hard, okay?! I wanted that part of my life locked away forever. I tried divorcing him over the years but he would just send the papers back unsigned and it didn’t matter until now.” He sat up, shoulders slumped as he looked at them. “It gets worse.”

“How worse?” Sam asked skeptically.

Steve put his face in his hands. “I finally found out why he wouldn’t divorce me and it wasn’t spite, it’s because he was spending the past nine years since he got out of the Army to build a life that would make him worth winning me back.” Nobody said anything and he peeked up only to see them exchanging looks with each other. “Guys?”

Natasha slid off the counter and came around to sit on the couch, facing him. “Steve… you left him eleven years ago… and he still loves you?” she asked, and Steve shrugged.

“I think so. Which was-“ He exhaled hard. “That was a fucking shock,” he said weakly. “He didn’t understand why I left and he spent two years in the Army trying to figure it out but he lost his arm in Iraq so he decided after he got out of the hospital to come after me,” he explained, looking up at her. “Said he got here, and he saw my nice house, and found out where I work, and realized I’d never leave a successful life to go back to the apartment I grew up in with a disabled husband to take care of. Doesn’t seem like he built that successful life, but that doesn’t matter, because that was eleven years ago and I have Phil now.”

Sam spoke up suddenly, stopping his cleaning to give him a look. “And would you have? If he’d actually saw you?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Of course I would have gone with him. Sam, he was my best friend from as long as I can remember,” he stressed. “I don’t remember any part of childhood without him in it, even if I didn’t want to be married to him, if he had let his sister contact me when he got his fucking arm blew off by an IED, I would’ve dropped everything to go take care of him. I was mad as hell at him, and I hated him for abandoning me after my mom died, but not wanting to be married to him wouldn’t have stopped me from wanting to help him after something that horrible happened to him.”

“No,” Sam said quietly. “Would you have gone back to being his husband? Say he hadn’t lost his arm. Say he just came after you. Would you have gone back to him?”

Steve thought for a moment and shook his head. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I thought he joined the Army to get away from me because he finally could.” Steve looked away from Sam’s eyes. “When we got married, he moved in with me and my mom. My mom was really sick and I couldn’t move out to start a life with him, I had to stay with her, and he loved her like another parent, so we got married and he moved in to help me, and then he lost his parents in an accident so she was the only parent he had,” he said softly. “When she died… it was hard on both of us. And I thought when he almost immediately decided to leave me behind that he didn’t want to be my husband anymore. That somewhere along the way, he’d stopped loving me and was just staying with me so it didn’t upset my mother since he loved her, and now she was gone, he didn’t have to stay. I thought instead of just tell me he wanted to leave me, he would join up and then make up some bullshit about the distance later on, and I was so goddamn mad I packed my shit and left and never talked to him again after that.”

Natasha rolled her lips together, nodding. “Yeah, that sounds pretty shitty. I don’t blame you.”

“Yeah, only he didn’t,” Steve said. “He wanted the benefits that came with being a soldier’s spouse for me, only he didn’t want to fuckin’ tell me that so I wouldn’t blame myself if something happened to him,” he grumbled. He rubbed at his eyes. “He told me _that_ the other night. He wanted to know why I left and we argued and he told me the real truth. I think the only reason he signed the papers now is because he realized how big of an asshole I’ve become. He probably realized the boy he married is gone and I’m the dick left in his place.”

Sam looked at him closely. “You okay?” he asked, and Steve nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I am,” he said softly. He huffed. “God, he fucked me up, Sam. He told me even though he had signed the papers, he still wasn’t ready to not be my husband, and I fucking- I fucking _kissed him_ ,” Steve admitted, guilt filling him. “I kissed him and then he told me to go and the next fucking day Phil showed up and of course, my estranged husband was nice enough to bring him to meet me just so he could make sure Phil knew what kind of a secret-keeping asshole I am.”

Natasha gave him a look. “Sooo. Does your fiancé know you kissed your ex?” she asked, and Steve shook his head silently. She huffed. “You really have one hell of a situation you got yourself into, Steven. One hell of a situation indeed.”

“No,” Steve said firmly. “I’m marrying Phil. Phil still wants to marry me. That’s all over. He signed the divorce papers so it’s all over and done with. The past is the past. I’m just looking at the future now.” He gestured to himself. “I’m dealing with the fact I’m an asshole but nothing else matters. I’m going forward. It’s the only way to go.”

Natasha reached out and patted his arm. “Well good luck, because you’re clearly not sure of anything right now,” she said and he grumbled but fell over to lay his head on her lap, hiding his face in her thigh. “Very mature, Rogers.”

“Muh uh.”

~

Clint laid on his bed, watching him pack, with a strange look. Bucky sighed, glaring playfully. “Just spit it out.”

“What?” Clint asked innocently and Bucky laughed, throwing a shirt at him.

“Whatever you’re thinking about asking me.”

Clint rolled onto his belly, looking up at Bucky. “It’s been two weeks since Steve left and you just so happened to get a conference to go to in DC,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Any connection?”

Bucky’s heart tightened some and he looked down at the shirt he was folding. “No,” he said brusquely. “Not related. I’m not- I’m not going after him or anything, Barton,” he muttered.

“I just thought maybe, after that kiss-“

Bucky looked up sharply. “What.” He didn’t even ask a question so much as give Clint a warning single word.

Clint shrugged. “Hey, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to upset you more, but I was coming back up there to see if you guys were alive,” he said simply. “And I saw you kissing him.”

Bucky shook his head. “He’s marrying that Phil guy. Or I don’t know, maybe he’s not. Maybe Phil got pissed off enough at Steve leaving out his entire past and dumped him. But either way…” He exhaled slowly. “I signed the divorce papers. It’s over, Clint.”

“But if Phil guy left him,” Clint started, giving him a pointed look. “You could have a shot. Look, he kissed you. Clearly there’s something there-“

“You don’t find your soulmate in the seventh grade, Clint,” Bucky snapped. He looked at him and knew Clint could _see_ the pain in his eyes. “He’s not-“ He stopped and dropped the folded shirt in his bag. “He deserves this life. The one he’ll have with that guy. He is happy and I don’t have any right to fuck with that just because I’m the fucking poor bastard who can’t move on.” He zipped his bag. “This is moving on, though. I’m going into the next step of my life today. This is a conference for the Veterans Affairs people, not the DoD, so it’s not like I’ll even see him.” He nodded to his laptop bag. “If Stark can sell them on this contract, I’ll at least have that to show for the last five years of my life.”

Clint sighed. “So you’re not even going to try to see him? Bucky,” he started but Bucky gave him a dark look. “Fine, fine. I’m just saying, you should give it one last shot, you know? What do you have to lose?” he asked, and Bucky shook his head.

“I already lost him, Clint. For good this time.” He grabbed his bag, putting the strap over his shoulder. “There’s no point in trying one last time when it won’t do anything but hurt both of us. He’s got a chance to be happy. Even if it’s not with me, I’ve only ever wanted Steve Rogers to be happy, and I won’t fuckin’ risk his happiness now because I need some sad-ass attempt at what I know is a lost cause.” He smiled sadly. “I said goodbye. It’s over.”

Clint nodded solemnly. “Well I’m sorry, Bucky.” He rolled off the bed and grabbed Bucky’s laptop bag, handing it to him. “Good luck with your conference then.”

~

Steve and Natasha neither had any interest in the conference Sam was attending, but he was on a panel with other therapists giving a talk on treatment methods for combat PTSD unique from general PTSD therapies, and since it was on a Saturday, they both agreed to go support their friend. After Sam’s panel, however, Steve expected they would skip out and go get something to eat, but instead, Sam pulled out his conference schedule pamphlet. 

“Sam, I want food,” Natasha complained. “Not another boring panel-“ Steve elbowed her and she didn’t even change tones before continuing. “Fascinating discussion on things related to Veterans Affairs.”

Sam snorted. “We can go get lunch after this one thing,” he said, showing them the big Stark Industries ad on the back of the schedule. “Tony Stark is speaking, personally, about this new technology for advanced prosthetics.”

“Oh is that the one with the nerve sensors?” Natasha asked suddenly, snatching it from him. “I’ve heard talk about some big tech advancement for wounded soldiers was in the pipeline. Something about how it’s got some electrical sensor shit that makes it so it has sensation for better mobility.”

“Whoa, really?” Sam asked, looking at it with her as they walked. “That’s amazing! You think it’s true?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, it is,” he said, and they both looked at him in surprise. He flapped his hand. “My ex, Bucky, he has one. I thought his prosthesis was really fancy, but I didn’t know anything about experimental. I figured I just didn’t know much about modern technology,” he said, and Sam looked intrigued.

“Oh dude, I’ve gotta see one of these things up close,” he said, and Natasha nodded, grabbing Steve’s wrist.

“C’mon, we gotta hurry if we wanna get in there at all if Stark himself is gonna speak.” She guided them both through the crowd – which as amusing, since she was half the size of one of them but somehow made a gap big enough for both of them in her wake – and they managed to get inside the conference room before all the seats were taken. The room wasn’t that big, so even though they were way in the back and off to one side, they were still able to see the stage set up near the front of the room clearly. 

When the people started filing onto the stage, however, Steve’s heart leapt into his throat when he saw the first person in the line, walking right ahead of Tony Stark himself. “Oh my God,” he breathed and Sam looked at him, but didn’t get a chance to ask before Tony Stark headed to the microphone and the other four people all sat at the table to his right.

“Good afternoon, folks!” he greeted to applause. “Alright, well, I sure hope you guys took a pee break, because if not, this much excitement might make for some puddles I cannot be held accountable for,” he joked and Natasha made a face at his crassness. “Ladies and Gentlemen, most importantly the esteemed guests from the Department of Veterans Affairs, as much as I know a lot of you would love for this whole presentation to be given by me, I would like to get right off the stage and allow my favorite guinea pig for the new technology we’re presenting for the first time here today to show off his fancy design.”

There was some applause and Steve couldn’t even move his hands, because he was too busy looking at Bucky, unsure of how the hell he was meant to react to his ex being here, in the same room as him, after all that had happened between them a few weeks ago. And with his opening statement, Stark had both Sam and Natasha whipping around to look at him with equally surprised expressions.

“Sergeant James Barnes is not only the first and so far only recipient and tester of the most advanced prosthesis ever invented, he’s not only an American hero who received the Silver Star for bravery and valor during his service to this country, but he is also the person who designed the software that allows this technology to be possible,” Stark praised. “Without him, my tech design would have no programming to make it actually viable for other proud Americans in the near future. So everybody give a round of applause for Sergeant Barnes.” 

Bucky stood up, and Steve had honestly never seen him looking better. His hair was neat, his suit and tie were expensive and tailored, and he looked confident and calm as he approached the microphone. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” he said to the applause. “As Mr. Stark said, I’m Sergeant James Barnes, and I served in the Army in Iraq until, nine years ago, my convoy outside of Ramadi struck an IED.” A slide came up on the screen to the empty side of the stage that showed the front and side view of him without his prosthesis, showing the stump of his shoulder. “I was one of the lucky ones to only lose one arm, but as you can imagine and as some of you may even know, life becomes more difficult when you are missing a limb.” Another slide came up that showed an analog prosthesis on his arm. “I was wearing one of these, fairly common prosthetic arms when I attended college and started my career at Stark Industries, and when Mr. Stark sent out looking for people to test the new experimental prosthetics they were designing, I volunteered.” Another slide came up, showing what had to be a former run of his current prosthetic.

“It was while using the first prosthetic, that allowed no feeling like most of them, that I found that, though I had more mobility, it was still difficult to do finite things with no feeling. I reported this as a frustration and, thankfully, Mr. Stark is a genius so he was able to design a limb prosthesis that could use electricity to fool the brain into thinking the relays are nerves.” He raised his left hand and wiggled his fingers. “Today, I can do this,” he said, and with his right hand, he picked something up off the podium and tossed grape into the air. He caught it with his left hand, and held it between his thumb and index finger, earning murmurs from the people in the crowd. “What I’m going to explain to you, ladies and gentlemen, is the details of the programming and safety protocols that allow this amount of finite precision in the prosthetic. Mr. Stark will explain the surgical and mechanical details later, but before you get into the big picture, it always helps to start with the ones and zeros that come together to make something that is, essentially, wired into your nervous system a safe and viable option for veterans like me and like many others who could have a fuller life with one of these suckers,” he said, tossing the grape into his mouth with a cheeky wink as he chewed. “Let’s begin,” he said, and a slide full of detailed and footnoted drawings came up.

Natasha took the moment Bucky went into discussing techno mumbo jumbo to lean over. “I thought you said your ex’s name was Bucky and he hadn’t gotten anywhere with his life?” she murmured and Steve just swallowed hard, staring up at the stage.

“Bucky’s a nickname,” he whispered.

“And the not getting anywhere in his life?” she asked and he gave a somewhat panicked chuckle.

“I thought he hadn’t.”

~

After the presentation, Steve tried to get Sam and Natasha to move it so they could get out of their faster, which made Natasha smirk knowingly. However, when they decide to take a side door out of the conference room they ran right into the Stark Industries group on their way out.

Sam bumped into Bucky, knocking his notes out of his hands. “Oh, I’m sorry, Man,” Sam said, picking up his papers to hand back to him, and Bucky shook his head, smiling.

“No problem,” he said, looking up at Sam, only to glance past him and lock eyes on Steve and pale. “Oh.”

Steve forced a panicked smile. “Bucky, hey.”

Suddenly, Tony Stark, who had been continuing on without Bucky, stopped in his tracks and turned around. “Wait. Wait. Barnes, did this guy just call you _Bucky_?” he asked, pulling his sunglasses off with a flourish and a somewhat crazy grin on his face. He walked back over to them and Bucky’s shoulders ducked as he sighed heavily. Stark slung an arm around his shoulders, looking at the three of them. “Hi there. You guys friends?”

“No, Sir,” Sam said quickly. “Just ran into him on the way out the door.”

“And yet this big one called him Bucky,” Stark said, looking up at Steve. “What’s a ‘Bucky’?”

Bucky sighed. “I’m a Bucky. Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, my husband,” he reluctantly mumbled out, then winced and corrected to, “Ex-husband.”

Stark laughed. “Oh wow, that’s awkward as shit!” he said, looking between Steve and Bucky. “Man, Barnes, I didn’t know you were ever married! Also husband/ex-husband, which is it?”

“Divorced,” Steve admitted uncomfortably. 

“And where does Bucky come from, Barnes?” he asked, looking up at him with a teasing wink.

Bucky coughed, managing a smile. “My middle name is Buchanan,” he said and Natasha was the one who made a soft, snickering sound, drawing attention to herself.

She shrugged. “Named after a gay president and you were married to a dude. That’s ironic.” She grabbed Sam’s elbow. “Sam, I suddenly remembered I have somewhere else to be right now that Steve doesn’t have to come to,” she said bluntly, and then dragged Sam away, leaving Steve staring after them with panicked eyes.

Steve turned back to Bucky, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Sam’s a VA therapist. He brought us cause he presented at this panel on PTSD treatment,” he explained pretty much unnecessarily. 

Bucky forced a smile. “Nice. You, uh, you mentioned him before.” He glanced over his shoulder at Stark and pointedly nodded his head for him to leave, but Stark either didn’t understand or didn’t care.

“Soooo. How did you kids meet?” Stark asked, looking between them.

“Really?” Bucky asked, giving him a look. 

Stark shrugged. “Alright.” He looked at Steve. “So, good luck with this awkward conversation!”

After Stark left, Bucky turned back to Steve, who looked him over. “You never mentioned all of this,” Steve said, gesturing around them. “I mean, damn.” He smiled brightly, the first genuine smile so far. “You’re actually one of the primary designers of those things?” he asked, nodding at Bucky’s arm. “That’s incredible. I don’t think I ever even saw you using a computer back in the day.”

Bucky nodded. “I got my degree in IT after I got out of the Army, and Bruce got me a job at Stark Industries in Manhattan. When they started working on prosthetics I volunteered to test them and when I had suggestions they listened and gave me a new job for it.” He crossed his arms, looking at his metal fingers. “I just work at home from my laptop.”

Steve bit his lip. “Why didn’t you tell me off for calling you the bum of the group that night? When you were fixing all my terrible misconceptions about everybody else?” he asked softly.

“Why should I have?” Bucky asked simply. The look in his eyes wasn’t as harsh as it had been in New York. He looked genuinely calm as he smiled at Steve, playfulness in his eyes. “Steve, you’d made up your mind about me a decade ago. And the assumptions you made when you saw how I live only reinforced that. And why would I want to impress you with my job and my bank account when the reason I married you didn’t have anything to do with either of those things?” He shook his head with a soft look. “It wasn’t worth it to try and convince you I was different when it didn’t matter. Wouldn’t have changed anything, now would it?”

Steve smiled sadly and shook his head. “No. I would’ve still been just as much of a dick was I was to you guys. I was still there to divorce you and go back to having you entirely out of my life.”

“Exactly.” Bucky glanced back to where his co-workers had gone on, and then turned back to Steve. “Good luck, Stevie.” He smiled at him with a genuine affection that made Steve want to cry for some reason. “I mean it. I really do wish you the best. You always have deserved this.”

Steve nodded, holding out his hand. “Thanks, Buck. And good luck on your project. It’s something really amazing you’re doing.”

Bucky looked down at Steve’s hand and then took it, his warm fingers wrapped tightly around Steve’s as he shook his hand. “Thank you.”

When Bucky let go of his hand and turned to leave, he didn’t look back and Steve didn’t stop watching him walk away until he turned the corner and disappeared from view. Steve turned around and clenched his right hand into a fist, closing his eyes as he took a few deep, slow breaths and tried not to think about how that was the last time he would ever see, touch, or hear Bucky Barnes ever again. 

~

It was late, and Steve knew he should be sleeping, but he just couldn’t sleep. Thoughts spun through his head like lightening. Phil, who also wasn’t asleep yet, seemed to sense Steve’s restlessness. He rolled over, curling his arm around Steve’s middle. “What’s wrong, Steve?” he whispered, kissing his bare shoulder. 

Steve swallowed hard. “Nothing. Just go to sleep,” he said, and Phil hummed against his back, settling against him, when all Steve really wanted was to ask him point blank why he wanted to marry Steve in the first place.

~

Phil fanned out photographs on the coffee table as Steve sat down with tea for both of them. “Here are some venues I picked out to see what we’re working with,” he said and Steve frowned as he sat down, curling one leg under him.

“Venues? We’re not getting married in a church?” Steve asked in confusion.

Phil looked up at him in surprise. “A church?”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? People tend to get married in churches.”

Phil leaned back against the couch, looking over at Steve. “You don’t have many married friends, do you?” he asked, and Steve shook his head. “You know, I don’t know a single person who got married in a church, actually. Everybody picks wedding venues.”

“Well, as a good Catholic kid, everybody I’ve ever known to get married got married in a church,” Steve said with a tight smile. “Sorta feels wrong not to.”

Phil looked at him curiously. “You’re Catholic?” he asked, and Steve stared at him blankly for a moment as it hit him that he and Phil had been together for nine months and were getting married in the next few months and yet Phil had no idea Steve was Catholic. Steve had no idea if Phil was religious at all. 

“I go to confession once a week,” Steve muttered, rubbing at his forehead. “God. Phil.” He looked up at him suddenly, chest tightening. “Why are we getting married?” He met his eyes. “What are we doing?”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Steve, come on. Religion just never came up. That’s not something to have second thoughts over-“

“No, but it’s a good hint that we don’t really know each other well enough to be getting married,” Steve said firmly. “Phil…” His voice trailed off and he looked at Phil with pained eyes. “Tell me something,” he said softly, looking Phil in the eyes. “Do you love me?”

Phil looked at him in surprise. “What? Steve, really-“

“No, be honest with yourself,” Steve urged, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “Are you in love with me?”

Phil looked at him for a long time without speaking and Steve gave him a small nod. Phil sighed. “Steve, I do love you. You’re the best partner I’ve ever had, and I think you’ll be a great husband.”

“But should we really be getting married?” Steve asked. “Phil, you’re everything I could hope for in a partner, but there’s so much we still don’t know about each other. And we’ve never tried living together. What if we drive each other crazy?” He run his free hand through his hair. “And honestly… I just. I don’t know. I don’t know if I love you.” He leaned forward with a frustrated sound. “God, Phil, a month ago I was so sure of everything and now I’m not sure of very much at all.”

Phil pulled Steve until he laid his head on Phil’s shoulder, curling into his side. “Steve, do you want to get married? If you are having second thoughts, I will understand, I promise.”

Steve mumbled unhappily. “I don’t _know_.” He whimpered, hiding his face in Phil’s shoulder. “I want to _want_ to get married to you.”

Phil rubbed at his upper arm slowly. “Steve. I want you to be honest with yourself and me when I ask you this. I’m not accusing you of anything, I promise.” Steve tensed some and Phil kissed his forehead. “Is this because of reconnecting with him?” he asked softly and Steve didn’t need to ask who the ‘him’ he spoke of was.

Steve closed his eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. “Probably,” he admitted. He didn’t want to lie to Phil when Phil never lied to him. “I haven’t- I haven’t mailed the divorce papers to my lawyer yet,” he whispered. “He signed them and I can’t- I just can’t send them in.”

Phil slid his fingers through Steve’s hair, making Steve look up at him. “You’ve been trying to divorce him for ages haven’t you?” Steve nodded and Phil stroked his hair softly. “What changed?”

“I was just so wrong about him. About everything,” Steve said in an exhaled huff. “I formed a stupid opinion about him when I was twenty-two years old because I was hurt and lost and I was always so hot-headed as a kid and I blamed everything I was feeling on him and over the years I just let that anger remain and I never bothered to _think_ , God forbid ever actually call him up and talk about it, and seeing him again and realizing how wrong I was and how much I don’t like who I am now has thrown me off so badly.” Steve closed his eyes. “He told me he never signed those papers because he was trying to make himself into somebody worthy of winning me back and that he wasn’t ready to not be my husband anymore, and I just-“ He gave Phil a guilty look. “I kissed him, Phil. When he told me all of those things, he was- he was _crying_ and I just had to and as soon as I kissed him, he pushed me away and said I was better off marrying you anyways.”

Phil let out a soft ‘huh’. “He did seem like a pretty good guy.” He looked at Steve closely, examining his face. “Steve, do you still love him?”

Steve sighed weakly. “Of course I do, Phil. I’m always going to have part of me that loves him. He was my other half for the first twenty-two years of my life, pretty much. I could hate him and I’d still love him, too.”

Phil cupped Steve’s face in his hand. “I want to try something,” he said, and Steve nodded. Phil leaned in and kissed Steve, who had not been expecting that at all. Steve closed his eyes and kissed back, sighing into the comfortable pleasure that he expected when it came to Phil. One thing that he and Phil had always had going for them was physical compatibility, and Phil was one hell of a kisser. When Phil pulled away, Steve couldn’t help the soft sigh he made. He opened his eyes and Phil looked at him and Steve raised an eyebrow.

“What was that for?”

“Who would you rather kiss for the rest of your life, Steve? Me or him?” Phil asked, giving him a look that held absolutely no judgement. 

Steve’s heart sank when he realized that Phil knew. Just by the look in his eyes, it was obviously Phil just knew. Steve closed his eyes and took a sharp breath, trying not to let the crushing feeling in his chest break his composure. “Phil… you don’t want to marry me. I’m so fucked up.”

Phil rubbed his back soothingly. “You want to know what I think?” he asked, and Steve sat up straight, pulling out of Phil’s arms to face him fully, legs folded up between them. Phil took Steve’s hand and held it, stroking his fingers slowly. “I think that maybe you shouldn’t want to marry me, Steve.” He smiled at him looking completely calm. “I want to marry you because we’re a great pair. We fit together so well. But the reason I hesitated when you asked me if I love you is because I know that I love someone else more and always will, probably.” Steve’s head came up in surprise.

“What? Who?” he asked quickly.

Phil laughed at the ridiculousness of it. “I’ve been in love with Mel since we were in our twenties,” he said without any shame and Steve gaped. “She’s never felt the same and I know she never will and I made my peace with that a long time ago. I only have the option of marrying someone that will be good enough, and you and I are very compatible in every way.”

Steve smiled sadly. “Except we’re both in love with other people.”

Phil nodded. “Except that part.” He patted Steve’s hand with a shake of his head. “Steve, if you want to still get married, I’ll marry you and I promise I will be the best husband I can be to you for the rest of our lives.” He gave him a knowing grin. “But I really think that maybe you should see what chance there is for you to have more than just ‘compatible’.”

Steve looked at Phil with a sad smile and shook his head. “You’re the perfect man, Phil. I just wish you were perfect for me.”

“Who knows,” Phil said with a toss of his head. “Maybe the perfect person is out there for me, too and he or she is just taking their sweet ass time getting to me.”

~

Steve wasn’t sure what the hell he was going to do when he saw Bucky, or what he would say, or how he would justify this rash decision, but Trip had told him to follow his heart, Sam had said he was doing what was best for him, and Natasha had said ‘cool’ when he told them all what he was going to do, so he figured it was for the best.

His boss questioned why he was taking another chunk of vacation time off, but legally it was his vacation time to use as he pleased and he had tons of it saved up, so while it may not win him any favors at work, it wouldn’t cost him his job at least. 

Steve didn’t bother with a hotel or any of that stuff, he just wanted to go straight to Bucky before he totally lost it – the train ride was rough enough – so the minute he got off the train, he hailed a cab, deciding to spring for the money again instead of have to take the subway and shave even more time off of his patience. When he got to Bucky’s street, however, he just so happened to spot Bucky walking in the opposite direction of his building. “Stop here!” he shouted at the driver, grabbing a handful of bills without counting. He knew it was probably way too much but he just handed it to the driver and jumped out, turning to run in the direction Bucky had been going. He spotted him up the street and slowed to a jog as he made his way towards him, not wanting to sprint up to him with no warning like a maniac.

Steve caught up with Bucky because he stopped to pet a dog outside a café, and something in Steve’s chest twisted as he stopped and watched him smiling and petting the dog. He had almost forgotten how beautiful Bucky could be when he was genuinely happy, and it almost stole his breath. “Bucky.”

Bucky looked around, eyes wide when he spotted him. “Steve?” he asked in confusion. He stood up, patting the dog’s side one last time as he walked over to him. “What’re you doing here? Was- is there something wrong with the divorce papers?”

“Yeah, actually.” Steve shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, ducking his head. “I couldn’t sign them.” He looked up to see a small frown line between Bucky’s eyes as he looked at Steve with clear befuddlement in his features.

“I don’t understand.”

Steve swallowed hard, taking a breath to try and break the tension holding his chest like a steel band around his ribs. “I realized something important yesterday when Phil and I were planning our wedding,” he said, and Bucky looked away, jaw clenching as Steve spoke about marrying Phil. Steve had a small bud of hope in his heart at the look on Bucky’s face. “Phil could be the perfect husband. He is everything I could want in a partner. He is a great partner and we could be really happy together.”

Bucky huffed, glaring at Steve. “Is there a point to this, or-“

“But I don’t love him,” Steve pushed on, and Bucky stilled, his mouth still open from the word he was going to say. “I don’t love him, and he doesn’t love me, and I could have a comfortable life with him, but I would never feel with him a fraction of what I feel when I’m with you, Bucky.” Steve let out a soft huff, smiling tearfully. “I was so stupid to let my hot-headed nature cement my opinions of you after my mom died, and I was stupid to let myself become somebody I didn’t want to be just because I was too caught up in my own success, and I was so fucking stupid to feel the things I felt when we kissed on the roof last month and ever think I could be Phil’s husband and be happy.” He sucked in a breath. “He asked me to marry him because we’re compatible, but we don’t love each other, and I should’ve known what was going to end up happening the day I tried to sign the divorce papers. I don’t want to be married to him, I want to be married to you.” He smiled even as his eyes glistened. “You were the first boy I ever kissed, Bucky, and I want you to be the last.”

Bucky looked at him for a long minute and shook his head slowly. “Steve, you can’t just- just show up in and out of my life like this. You can’t put me through what you put me through last month, and then run into me at that conference and say goodbye, and then show up again.” He groaned. “We had our shot, Steve. We were married and it didn’t work. Why would you do this now?” He turned and started walking away and Steve gave an offended sound and rushed after him.

“Because I’m fuckin’ stubborn, and you know that!” Steve said, trying to keep up with him without making a scene. Bucky always had had long legs, even if Steve was slightly taller now. “I just came three and a half hours to find you and tell you that I love you!”

“Well I didn’t ask you to!” Bucky said over his shoulder. “Love sure as hell wasn’t enough the first time. Or last month. Or the other week!”

“I didn’t think I still loved you any of those times!” Steve argued, glaring at the back of his head as he walked even faster. “I can run you down now, Barnes, so you may as well just stop running away from me! I know you still love me, and I’m trying to tell you I love you too!”

Bucky stopped and turned around so abruptly he and Steve ended up close together. “I know you are, but I don’t know why you would pick me anyways. That man of yours is a good man and you’d be a hell of a lot happier with him than with me. Last month, you showed me that you lost touch with the boy I married.”

“So?” Steve argued. “People change, Bucky, but that doesn’t mean they can’t figure out how far gone they’d become and find themselves again. Hence that whole ‘people change’ part.”

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, grumbling. “Well you got one thing going for you, that stubborn little punk I married that would argue with a brick wall seems to have made a resurgence,” he said and Steve just grinned.

“Damn sure has,” he said strongly. “If I’ve got any chance of fixing things with my husband, I’m gonna take it.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, amusement growing as a small smile won out over his scowl. “Shit, Stevie, what do you wanna be married to me for anyways?”

Steve smirked suddenly, remembering saying those same words to Bucky once before. Steve reached out and grabbed Bucky’s jacket, tugging him close in a move that had Bucky raising an eyebrow at him. “So I can kiss you anytime I want,” Steve purred, and Bucky seemed to suddenly remember the words, because all of a sudden, a big, unbridled smile spread across his face and it was just too much for Steve. He swooped in and kissed Bucky, right then and there, without a moments hesitance. 

Nothing was a bigger relief than when Bucky immediately kissed back - _hard_ \- and curled his hands around Steve’s head, making sure he didn’t go anywhere. As far as Steve was concerned, he had learned his lesson, and that was never going to happen ever again. 

He loved Bucky and Bucky loved him and it was all that mattered in that moment and in any that followed. It wasn’t going to be easy, and their lives were going to get very complicated very soon, but in that moment, as he stood kissing the only person he had ever loved and the only person he ever wanted to love, Steve was more than up for whatever challenges they might face if it meant he never had to kiss anybody else for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully this was better than I think it was, lmao!


End file.
